[Suggested music - WarioWare, Inc: Mega Party Games! - Menu Medley: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZN1dOPN... ]
Diamond City. A shining gem in the rough. Land of big wigs and small attention spans. Sure, Wario could take flight to glistening castles or exotic ruins for a chance at money. He could sail the seas and face pirates to earn his fortune. But something about the humble high-rises, the gourmet delivery pizza, and the intricate trash piles made the man's heart pound. When fortune called from afar, something special kept him here, connected to the people.
They owed him.
WarioWare Incorporated built this metropolis from the ground up! He was lead architect and planner of its famous Microgame industry! And his pen-pushing employees were the only ones making any profit from it! Everyone came to him with stupid junk they invented to cheat him out of his coins. Stuff like "workers' unions", or "minimum wage", or "paid leave", or "you are attempting tax evasion through front companies on Yoshi's Island". It left the businessman penniless!
No more. If trying to make an honest living meant every citizen and tax collector cheating him out of his earnings... Wario was ready to pay them back. Or for them to pay him back. Whatever. He'd be a cad again!
First, scouting. He traded his cap for a W-emblazoned helmet, and got his backside comfortable on his motorbike seat. The engine revved, spewing pollution out. The Wario Bike raced off on the city streets, a cat on the hunt - only several decibels louder, and worse at sharp turns.
At an amber light, Wario's beady eyes kept peeled for a sucker to rob later. Variety Tower... 1 Chance Mansion... the Building of Thrills... Hotel Future...
*Toot! Toooot!*
He nearly jumped ten feet in the air at the honking sound. A motorized scooter ran up beside him. Its bright crimson paint coat glimmered far too brightly in the sun. And a far-too-bright face was above the handlebar, grinning at him.
Mona, the pizza delivery girl. And gelateria worker. And was she still a cheerleader? That safari show she hosted was seriously rotten. Pretty good vocalist, though. Also a fashion magazine photographer.
"Hey!" Her voice chirped like a sweet bird's song at 3 AM on a Monday. "Wario! What's cooking?"
He snickered a little. "Gonna get some cash..."
She was a real doll, that Mona. Complete with an expansive wardrobe, thousands of odd jobs, a tendency to hang around lonely kids, and a habit of leaving a hole in people's wallets. She couldn't keep any of her jobs straight, with all the rushing around she did; so rescuing his money from her vaults would be a snap. And she was always nice enough to him, even if her tastes in microgames were... Off.
She put a hand on a stack of pizzas ready to fall from her scooter, hunching in. "Hey! Call me up after my shift at Sora Sora if you haven't pulled it off by then! I'd love helping the master of cool himself! ...For a cut of the profits."
He grumbled, picking his nose. She picked her nose back, in a bizarre salute, before stepping on the gas. Police cars chased her into the distance.
A few more blocks, and he reached the city's famous haunted mansion. Ashley's home, even to a normal-sized human, stood tall and ominous, at a scale that'd rival some of the Koopa Clan's fortresses. Wario hadn't been in, himself – but he'd heard stories of what rested inside. Portals to other worlds inside her library. A rare, enchanted mask collection that rivaled that of the legendary Happy Mask Salesman. And a whole bunch of rare art and treasure she wasn't using, anyway. With no minions but that clumsy Red, he'd have no problem sneaking in at small sizes... But what mysteries did it hide?
At the very top, in the open air, the witch herself stirred a green brew. Ashley was clad in a crimson dress with an orange neckerchief, and a tiara reflecting higher status. She looked down upon the traffic buzzing forward and backward below, a flat expression crossing her ruby pupils. They narrowed upon Wario.
"What? WHAT?" He called up.
"…" The ellipses sounded out silently from her mouth.
Red, who had transmuted into her stirring spoon, spoke up: "All your instant gratification and easy living has blinded you to the universe's truths! The great Ashley looks down on you blind insects in pity!" He hissed as ferociously as a terrified kitten. "A pox upon you, Diamond City!"
The mustached bandit laughed. "Yeah, curse this whole rotten dump!"
Ashley's eyes tilted away from her spoon, the large pigtails bobbing. "...Seriously?"
With liquid flowing through his mouth, Red stammered. "O-or possibly, she wants to say 'hi', but she's too shy. O-one or the other. The great Ashley has been in one of those moods lately..."
With greater vitriol, the witch bobbed and stirred the bowl, resulting in garbled yells from her demonic familiar. Wario revved his motorcycle's engine again, driving off just as the mad stirring above sent the girl, devil, and bowl tumbling down. Grass around the mansion soaked up the foul fluid, growing into constricting vines.
"Oh no, not again..."
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