[Suggested music - Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story - The Giant - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5A9xBIE... ]
Past a sea of bubbling lava, over fleets of airships getting in gear, and through a stained-glass window with Bowser's grinning face, Wario flew into his target. The fabled Another Castle, the holding place of some poor, kidnapped princess - and more importantly, a stolen power star. Its intruder slid across the crimson carpet, seeming to welcome him into this realm of impossibly-distant ceilings, and walls covered in spikes larger than his body.
A Goomba marching by towering jade door pulled his attention. Something good in there - something that the castle's owner didn't want intruders to take. The mushroomy guard took notice of this miniature thief, and charged forward - only for Wario to leap on its head, squashing the thing underneath a harsh ground-pound. He slid underneath the crack.
A blast of raw, humid air hit his nose, making his mustache nearly wilt. Those flaming deathtraps must have been on particularly hard in this room. The perfect atmosphere for a final confrontation between two rivals... Which Wario was totally going to crash. Navigating through the hazy area, the heat distorted his view far away. Something green and black shifted around, getting closer, then further from him. A thin line of cracks lay in the ground where this creature's tower-like legs had been pacing.
"Gah! This 'Bowsette' joke's gone far enough! I'm gettin' sick of it!"
That super-collider voice, echoing off the old concrete, stopped Wario in his tracks. His back slinked up against a wall, tense shoulders raised to his chins.
Between thumps in the distance and pounding pulses, the swindler registered some bass growls. It sounded like one of those broads he went golfing with... No, it was too throaty and deep for that. Or was that just how sound worked at this size?
Thud. THUD. SCRUNCH - a stone tile crumbled underfoot like an eggshell. "Get off my head, dumb thingamabob! Do you know who I am?"
The ground shook stronger than if a POW block hit it - knocking the intruder gut-first onto the cracked stone. He wobbled softly, trying to re-orient himself towards the right path. Just when the world had stopped spinning, a sputter of flames behind the woman cast an all-devouring, angular shadow over them both. From great leaps and bounds away, the resonating THUMP of a mighty backside slamming into a seat rang through his pointed ears. The throne's material screeched against the force of her bulbous, gargantuan rear, its hefty weight shifting and twitching restlessly. In a throne of bone and leather, slouched the ruler of the castle...
"Peach? Whah?" Dashing forward with his hand at his eyebrow, the yellow pseudo-plumber's squinted pupils navigated the titanic woman. Black heels - the cause of the tremors before - each flew into the air, and on a shell-shaped footrest, shifting and grinding for comfort. The princess' pitch-black dress bunched up at her lap like a series of winding hillocks, curving around a pair of mountains greater than Mt. Lavalava - and more furious, the flesh and muscle quaking with every deep breath.
At this sight, Wario licked his lips, cheeks lifted in a wide smile - his heart racing by the display of beauty before him. The power star gleamed right in the cleavage, illuminating the leathery tit flesh - along with the key attached to it. Dollar signs rolled in his eyes, powering his stubby legs to push closer. But at the footstool. He'd be rich; but he'd have to scale this Peachy tower of folding fabrics. It was a huge drop from up high... Was it really worth the risk climbing up Princess Peach?
...No, that was wrong. This wasn't Peach, the shrunken adventurer realized. Old Princess Toadstool in a cage to the corner, face in her hands. Crud – did this mean Mario was coming? He had to grab his priz fast, and get out. But as he approached, he wondered: who the heck was this woman he stood below, stormclouds spewing from her toothy snarl?
"I'll tell you who I am - Bowser, King of Awesome! Grown Toads tremble at my name! So get off me, Stupor Crown!" The gigantic Bowsette slammed her heel off the footrest - pinning Wario beneath its hefty weight without noticing. He struggled against the slick black pillar from the sky, feeling intense pressure on his stomach and the breakfasts contained within. His head spun - were his brains knocked out by that blow, or did this dame just call herself "Bowser"? What had just happened to him?
From behind a giant pair of locked, green doors, Kamek knocked. "Lord Bowser! Er, Lady Bowsette? Your nastiness, the Hyper Final Boss Weapon is ready for your testing!"
The monolithic monarch's bushy brows framed a pair of blue reptilian eyes, larger than the greatest food plates Wario had ever gobbled garlic from. The shrunk pupils darted everywhere - as if trying to escape their sockets. Her legs stood stiff and motionless - their tension pulverizing their unintentional victim - her tail twitched back and forth, sounding like great thunderclaps. "Test it yourself! The kingdom can't see its king until she's taken this crown off!" After another unsuccessful attempt at removing it, she stomped the ground again - squeezing Wario like a squeaky toy, pushing the air out of him completely.
The Magikoopa paused before answering. "The soldiers are begging for their leader. What should I tell them?"
"Why? So they can stare at me without scales? So they can chortle at how soft I look? So they can double-cross me now that I can't scare 'em into submission?" The spike-collared mountain ran her hands over her unfamiliar, smooth legs, twisting them in disgust. From the corner, Peach blushed. The simple tug dragged the thief across the floor with the shoe, smearing him. "Tell 'em I'm busy training, that I'm more furious than ever, and that any Goomba that barges in entitled to a Bowser Beatdown!"
For emphasis, she stomped the ground a few times - each pound, Wario found bones he didn't even know he had cracking apart under pressure. The echoing THWOOM made it impossible for him to get his balance again. Kamek gave few words before departing: "Bowsette... You'll have to come out of your shell sometime."
"Just make me!!" Flames erupted from her shout, splattering across the door. Each skyscraper-like arm, topped with a spiked cuff, alternated between itching over her monstrously well-defined torso, picking bits of drumsticks from her guillotine-like teeth, and clawing desperately at her headpiece: a glowing crown with a pink mushroom at the center. The rapid twists and angry grunts all transferred to her underfoot intruder, grinding his gut flat - and sending dirt raining onto his rosy nose. Sweat covered Wario's brow as he tried to force it off - but even this transformed Koopa Queen's heel outmatched his whole body. So it was that crown's magic that transformed him...
"This dumb powerup was supposed to make Mario run screaming! Like the bells and cherries! But it's just sucked all the rugged charm from my bod!" The tyrannical tower tossed her fists out in a tantrum. With a fire-laden groan, her soles stamped on the ground like a heavy metal drummer.
"What am I supposed to do – beat Mario with tea parties?" The rapid THUDTHUDTHUD against the harsh flooring drove their mustached victim dizzy, every impact hitting him in a new pressure point. His calls of "WAH" were each choked silent by a new twisting step on his lungs. The dark plain of pain practically pancaked him, lifting him with the last few horrifying THUDs.
"Erm..." Peach, from her cage, raised a dainty hand with the volume and audacity of a Mouser. "If the tea were warm enough, it might hurt."
Bowsette's mania paused. "Hhrm, diabolical... and tasty..." Picturing a scorching teacup, she rubbed her slender chin, and folded a long leg up to the shell footrest.
With a whizz in his ears, a breath of tepid-but-satisfying air in his face, and a flashing blur of lava and grey walls, Wario was lifted up with the sole. Once his head stopped spinning, he realized: he'd made it higher! Excellent! The Power Star's glow reinvigorated him. Focusing that newfound energy into a hard push, stumbled off the pillar skewering him, and jumped onto the furniture.
It was lucky he bumbled out - one breath later, the same heel stomped down again. "ARGH!" Bass snarls emerged from her lips, cinders flaring around the caverns of her nostrils. "Tea parties aren't the point! This body's just too puny!"
The invader stood before the "puny" body, its heavy girth casting a shadow over him. From this perspective, the gender-twisted tyrant's features were more easily visible. A messy ponytail flopped around each time she tried to tear the Super Crown off. Loose bits of it fell off, and strung over her slick skin, drenched from the blaring heat around. Each blazing, irritated breath made her bust wobble, the Power Star rocking dangerously with it - along with the whole great hall. Peach rested in that cage, looking out for a hero.
Wario cracked his knuckles. So, this was "Bowsette"... She was a big challenge, but someone had to rescue that helpless victim of her villainy. And maybe save the princess afterwards. Maybe.
He headed for his destination... indicates the next chapter needs to be written. |
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