Sometimes its hard to be a mom. Some days you get complete unconditional love from your child. Other times, they seem distant. After Allen left, it took a toll on me and the divorce I filed tore me to shreds. I spent years trying to understand what was going on with him. I loved that man nore than life itself, but i was too immature to get passed one minuscule detail of my husband's life. It was the worst mistake of my life and i regret it wholeheartedly to this day.
Then it started happening again with my son Lenny. You know, he is just like me in a lot of ways. Jo like to call him neurotically paranoid. Where does everyone think he gets that from?
He didnt think i noticed that he got women's shoes on "accident". Or to check the store policy online before even going to the store. He didnt think i could tell the difference between a salon visit and a barbershop cut. I find it kind of funny how he thought i couldnt see the subtle highlights in his well maintained hair.
He didn't realize that i studied shakespeare in highschool with a little psychology. That maybe i cracked their code ages ago. I get a kick out of how subtle their "inside" jokes can be.
He didnt realize that i go into the crawl space under his room when i found a false floor. He never realized that i went to school with Delilah Greene (formerly Baker) and had stayed in contact with her after i moved from Placerville. Seeing my best friend coming back we thought it best to let the kids develope their own friendship so we thought it best to keep ours secret. And that it was my talks with D that sparked her idea to involve Jo in the process of drawing out my sons interior conflict.
He doesn't know i gave Jo the money to buy the Hypnotist CD to see first hand how he really acts when he is being his true self. After that bout with amnesia, i knew it was the perfect time to crack a little more of the shell he put up. I just wish he'd taken me instead of his friends' but with Jo with himi knew i had nothing to worry about. What did start worrying me was his self medication. He didnt think i noticed his budding breasts. Well at that point i knew it was time to write this letter.
Now this is where i adress Francine the birthday girl (something about a lamp and a ball?) by elephant in the room i mean to say who i wrote this for.
To my beautiful Daughter Helen,
Yes, i know your name. However, rather than putting it out there for all the world to know, i want you to be the one to tell me when you are ready.
I want to tell you that I love you more than anything in the world, and the fact that you hide in the closet for my sake shows how much you respect my reputation. I know how hard harboring secrets can take a toll on your psyche so to do as you are shows me (though misguided through no fault of your own) how much you love me. I am deeply sorry if you feel you had to do anything like that to make me love you. There is nothing, and i mean absolutely nothing, no problem or question you cannot come to me with. You are my baby. Remember, maybe it hasn't always been so but, Momma knows best.
Love Always
Mom
P.S. i wanted to wait until after you came out of the closet to give you this. Bye Sweetie
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