(Chapter originally written by worstfailure)
"So," Lauren said in an eager voice. "I kinda have a big surprise for you!"
"Is that so?" you asked, forcing yourself to look cheerful. Lauren sounded like she'd thought you'd really enjoy what she had planned, but in your personal experience during recent years, surprises planned by your mom never ended well for you. A surprise birthday party for you had ended with her eating your piece of birthday cake... with you as the secret ingredient. Her surprise of a new wardrobe made from an experimental fabric meant to reflect light so you would be more visible to others instead ended up making you blend in better with the environment and made you more prone to getting trampled and squashed. Her surprise of taking you mattress shopping for your room, ended up with her somehow asleep in the store model for several hours with you pinned beneath her. She'd then forgotten you were even there, decided she wanted the mattress for herself, and the mattress, with you left flattened on its surface, was put on lay away for her until her next paycheck came in at the end of the week.
Needless to say, you didn't have high hopes for her latest surprise.
"Ooh, you're excited! I can tell by the look in your eyes! Well, I won't leave you in suspense. We're going... to the movies!"
"Oh," you said in genuine surprise. Then, as you realized this was both far less dramatic, and, more importantly, far less painful than you anticipated, your surprise changed to genuine excitement. "Great!"
"That's not even the best part! The best part is it's a special marathon showing of Toby Carmichael's "What Did I" Trilogy!"
"Great," you said, keeping a smile on your face that became the fakest you ever sported.
You hated Toby Carmichael movies. You hated the "What Did I" Trilogy in particular.
When you were younger you'd heard they were cult classic comedies starring a tiny during the early days of the shrinking pandemic, and you'd begged your mom to see them only for her to refuse, saying they were "too violent." Being a moody resentful teen, one of the first things you did after you finally gave her your big speech about how you wanted to be treated like an adult instead of a child, was demand to finally see the trilogy you heard so much about: "What Did I Step In?", "What Did I Sit On?" and "What Was In That Egg Salad Sandwich?" Sure enough, all the "comedy" in the movies was nothing more than cheap slapstick where the main tiny character, who was always a different person but always played by Toby Carmichael, was constantly stepped on, sat on, eaten or otherwise hurt by the ditzy or malicious women in his life. Having been subjected to the same humiliations as the tiny lead, you found the jokes painfully unfunny. Your mother, however, no longer burdened by the anxiety of watching your every move to protect you all the time and finally able to see the lighter side, laughed her ass off at every "joke" the movies contained. Just like that, Lauren went from banning the movies to declaring them her favorite films of all time, and you, still being a moody teen who didn't want to admit to being wrong, pretended they were your favorites too so you could brag you were right all along.
It, like so many of your past mistakes, would come to bite you repeatedly in the ass later.
"I knew you'd be excited for a triple-feature of our favorite films!" Lauren said. "I already got us tickets, the first movie starts in an hour. Let's go early so we can get good seats!"
"Terrific," you said, doubting there would be a particularly large crowd for movies from several decades ago.
Mentally preparing yourself to fake laugh at six hours of terrible movies, your attentiveness wavered as your mom made her way to the car and sat behind the driver's seat. For some unexplainable reason, you assumed she would put you somewhere safer while driving, like in the unoccupied cupholder, instead of leaving you on her shoulder. Instead your mother popped the key into the ignition and lurched backwards out of the driveway, causing you to fall off her shoulder from the sudden motion, only frantically succeeding in grabbing a strand of hair to keep you from falling. Lauren was too distracted to notice as the radio turned on to one of her preset stations, one Jenna had turned her own to that played a lot of rock, pop and alternative music. And, of course, as luck would have it, a headbanger by a punk rock band was playing, which wouldn't have been so bad if Lauren hadn't started literally banging her head to it, sending her hair wildly flailing.
"Oh, I love this song! Don't you, sweetie?"
You, however, were incapable of answering as you were hanging onto dear life to a strand of hair flapping around as wildly as a flag in the wind. All the while, oblivious to your plight, your mom sang along with the song's chorus.
You always demeaned me when you tried to neg,
I think it's time I took you down a peg!
You crushed my pride, 'til I started crushing you,
Try to act tough when you're under my shoe!
You thought I was stupid, so you tried to MANSPLAIN,
Let's see if you're smart when you're a MANT STAIN!
Eventually your hands slipped through the sleek strand of hair and you were sent flying upwards, hitting the ceiling of the car with a barely audible "thump" and then falling straight down towards your mom's breasts. You prayed you would land on top of a boob and try to get a grip to stop falling, but instead you went face-first into her jiggling cleavage, the top half of your torso completely submerged between her breasts, while your legs kicked pitifully.
It was moments like this that made you wonder if you were the star of your own strange, tragic comedy where the universe was out to get you so an unseen audience could enjoy your humiliation. As if all the challenges and tribulations, love and pain throughout your entire life wasn't building to some grand crescendo of happiness, but to a sad trombone's pathetic *Whomp Whomp*.
What happens next?
Choice 1) Lauren drives to the movies without incident, spots you buried in her breasts, takes you out, and the two of you head in to watch the horrible, horrible movies.
Choice 2) Lauren gets too into the song and you end up being completely swallowed by her cleavage. When she arrives at the movies with you nowhere to be found, she assumes she left you at home and drives back to start looking for you. It may be a while before she does and who knows what will happen at home?
Choice 3) An exciting contest is announced on the radio! This ends up not just changing your plans for the day, but for the next two weeks.
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