“Hey little guy, where are you going so fast?” asks the taller and fatter of the two campus police as Matt, desperate to escape but also distracted by the sheer size and magnificence of the two fat boys in front of him, tries to run between them. The two campus cops turn their guts towards one another and move in, so Matt’s 250 pounds collides with the rubbery, abundant bellies of the two big boys in blue. Their combined copious bulk brings Matt to a sudden halt, leaving him wedged between the two endomorphic junior cops, with his arms pinned to his sides by two navy-clad spreading paunches.
“Ooof!” exclaims Matt involuntarily as the air is driven out of him by the collision. The two ‘boys in blue’ are a little taller than Matt, so that their mammoth bellies collide with his diaphragm as well as his own small gut. He struggles to breath again before replying.
“Oh, well, umm,” Matt begins, “well, you see, I’m new, and I met this cook guy in the office, and, umm, he said something about ... a special treatment, and, well,.... I don’t wanna be hazed!” Matt concludes in a rush.
“Hazed? Who said anything about getting hazed?” says the smaller of the two hallway cops. He takes a second big bite out of his doughnut and continues. “I know Pots can be intimidating to newbies, but he means well - he’s just...well...big...big, gruff and intimidating. Kinda like my dad - kinda like what I’ll be when I get out of school.”
Matt thinks to himself that the junior cop already has the big and intimidating parts down pat!
“But his heart’s in the right place,” the boy continues.
“And his stomach’s the right size!” the other hall cop laughs.
“....and he really enjoys helping new guys at OSB settle in to the OSB lifestyle, helping them bulk up so they fit in.”
“Bulk up to fit in?” Matt repeats, dazed. He tries to back out of the two boy’s “belly embrace” without success, until the bigger of the two notices his trials and turns his massive pork body to release him. “Thanks!” Matt says.
“Oh yeah,” replies the smaller boy in blue. “Newbies like you look small compared to the rest of us, you gotta get big to fit in.”
“But I am big, that’s why my dad sent me here,” Matt replies.
“Well,” says the bigger of the two boy cops, inhaling and sticking out his gut, “by his standards, maybe - not by ours!” Matt watches in amazement as the boy’s gut and chest swells out even further, lifting the huge navy t-shirt.
“How big are you?” Matt breathes the question in amazement.
“Should we tell him?” the bigger boys asks the smaller one. “Or will the knowledge stun him too much?”
“Oh, sure, tell him!” the smaller boy replies. “It’s not like you trying to keep it secret or anything.”
“OK. But first the newby has to tell us his name, and how big he is,” the bigger boy decided.
“I’m Matt, and I weigh 250.”
“Welcome, Matt, to the best school on earth for fat boys!” beamed the bigger of the two hallway cops. “I’m Farley, and I’m the chief of campus police around these parts. This morning, when Ms. Peach in the office weighed all of us, I was....