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 Review #3080482 |
 | June BVN Article  [E] Rainbowapple's June BVN Article  |
| Hi Rainbowapple, Your South Island sounds like a delightful place. I love the way you included so many of the various attractions and amenities in the article. It does make me long to visit. Your descriptions are clear and paint sharp pictures. I did notice a few typos/grammar errors that you might want to attend to in your next rewrite of this article. Take the following sentence for instance. Through the swishing sea spray and soft marine layer is secretive little island that is well worth the time of everyone on this planet. It appears the "is" in this case should be "this" instead. This is the sort of error that most often happens when the computer checks our writing for spelling and grammar for us. Just something you might want to be aware of. I always recommend two or three word by word reads for catching silly boo-boo's like this. Reading the piece out loud is another good way to catch these pesky little problems. Another thought . . . you also have a few over-burdened and somewhat convoluted sentences in this piece. They tend to drag the reader off target. They will communicate your meaning much better if they are broken up. Here's one for example: There’s a good reason for that-many livelihoods there quite literally depend upon the climate, which is not always the safest of bets, given that the South Island in particular has such dynamic and ever-changing weather patterns, of close to mythical proportions. This passage could have been written this way: There’s a good reason for that. Many livelihoods on South Island depend upon the climate. This is not always the safest of bets; South Island experiences dynamic and ever-changing weather patterns, of close to mythical proportions. Do you see how the rewritten passage isolates each idea and makes the reader take notice? The varied length of three sentences shorter sentences adds a smoother rhythm to the passages and focuses the reader's attention on each idea. With long, convoluted sentences the reader often loses the meaning before he reaches the end. This is an informative article and definitely makes the reader want to start packing. You shed light of a wealth the fascinating places, interesting people and beautiful natural wonders. I enjoyed reading about the place of your ancestors. Thanks for sharing it! Happy Writing! Katz >^. .^< ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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