Hello Newman,

I am glad to hear that this is your first short story because that means this is a great practice story you can hone your skills on.

I am not an expert by any means but I do have a couple observations and suggestions that you will hopefully find helpful.

First thing, when you describe every little action and give step by step plays of what the characters are doing it makes your writing sound very stilted and formal.

Now I understand because of the situation in this story that a certain amount of formal indifference is to be expected but you want to convey through emotions or lack there of not through actions. Show us what the characters are feeling or not feeling don't tell us what they are doing.

Here:
Maybe you could try something like this: Peter threw open the door beaming with excitement, and enveloped Jon in a heartfelt embrace. Jon returned the gesture with a stiff hug lacking any warmth at all.

You should always try to give the reader more insight into what the characters are thinking and feeling.

Another great way to do that is with the dialogue. Your dialogue is actually very good. It sounds naturally uncomfortable which is appropriate to the situation. My only suggestion would be to use it more. Here:



All of this information can be relayed to the reader through heated emotional conversation which will add a ton of drama to your story. You want the reader to FEEL what Jon is feeling.

The reader needs to hear the emotion in his voice as he talks about all the plans they had made. We need to hear him get choked up and almost breakdown in tears as he tells Peter that all his friends are getting married and leaving him behind.

Overall I think you have a great basis for a very dramatic and emotion filled story you just need to work it more. Add even more dialog and don't be afraid to use strong emotion and action words to convey states of mind.

In a story like this you can take us right into the characters thoughts. He can be saying one thing and thinking another. I usually put a characters thoughts in italics to distinguish them from speech.

Anyway, I hope you find this review somewhat helpful and not overly harsh. It is never my intention to offend I just try to give honest and constructive reviews. Keep writing I look forward to reading more from you in the future.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .



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