Hello Sour Maniack,

Wow! That was a beautiful story. It actually brought a lump to my throat and a tear to my eye near the end. Well done.

I have only one small criticism and this might very well be intentional on your part. It seems to me there is a whole lot of watchers watching other people watching in the first few paragraphs. It tends to sound a bit repetitive if you feel me hehe. As I said you may have intentionally used the watch and watchers every time but personally I would rather you change it up some with different words for watch. Maybe throw in an "observe" here or there.

Other than that I think this is an incredible story. I loved everything about it. The characters and narration were so rich and full it could almost hear the old man speaking. It really was just lovely.

I don't know if this is part of a larger story, a novel perhaps but if not it should be. I would love to know what happens with these characters later. Bravo.

I'm not sure if grammar or punctuation figures into your contest but even so I saw nothing wrong in any case. Good luck with the contest. I hope you win this is a stellar piece of writing. I look forward to reading more from you in the future.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .



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