Hello Swagata,

I am reviewing this piece because your information line said you were getting frustrated from a lack of reviews. Please keep that in mind as I give you my thoughts.

My first thought as I read this is that maybe English is not your native tongue. I say that because you have a strange way of structuring your sentences and your usage seems a bit off. Here is an example:



This sentence has such a strange phrasing and too many adverbs. It makes it very difficult to read and understand what is going on.

In my opinion adverbs seldom add anything important to a sentence and you should be eliminated most of the time unless used in dialog. They are just unnecessary words that slows the pace of your story.

Don't try to write eloquent prose that sounds sophisticated and intelligent it comes off sounding pompous and wordy at best and unintelligible at worst.

Another thing is to consider your audience. If you are writing for American teenagers then be up on how they speak if you are writing for British Royalty likewise. I don't know who your target audience is with this story but as an American I find some of your usage a bit off putting. Here is an example:



Now I know that "broil" is another word for brawl or heated argument but its most common use in America is "to cook meat," so that is what first came to mind as soon as I saw it. Others might not understand it and get frustrated.

If the women argued or had a heated discussion it is really best just to say that in plain simple words. When you write the key is to pick the absolute best words you can to convey your meaning without leaving anything to question.

You want to tell your story in as clear and concise a language as possible so the reader can picture exactly what is going on. Otherwise the reader will be lost bored and quit reading. I suspect that is why you are not getting many reviews.

I hate to sound like I am tearing your story about but another problem I have with it is nothing significant happens. These two ladies are having a very sedate conversation over coffee about a third lady who we never even met.

I would have much rather been privy to the argument maybe that would have been exciting but you cheat the reader out of that by starting the story with Susan's last outburst of "Attitude!" I got excited when I saw that exclamation because I thought I was in for a good fight but nooo...

The fight is already over by this point and we just get to see Samara steam and Susan try and make up to her or something. I'm not even sure what is going on really. I am never clear why exactly there was an argument. Samara doesn't like Jane right? But why?

I think this story would have been much better if you would show the reader what Samara is feeling as she is trying to calm down over her coffee. Or Susan as she is trying to reason with her. The whole story lacks emotion and motivation, in my opinion. I don't know why anyone feels the way they do about anything.

I would start the story during the argument so the reader knows how everyone feels and why they are arguing. I think that would add a ton of emotion to the story and make it much more interesting. This is just my opinion of course it's your story so you decide.

Overall, I think you have a good amount of skill for writing you just need to focus more on the important things like story and less on the language. I hope you find this review somewhat helpful and not overly harsh it is never my intention to offend just to give honest and constructive reviews. I look forward to reading more from you in the future.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .



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