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 Review #3583361 |
| Hello spearfist8 -   HAPPY WDC ANNIVERSARY   After reading your story I had a few comments to offer that I hope you find helpful. They are just my personal ideas, suggestions and reflections on your writing. OVERALL IMPRESSION: In terms of ideas and creativity, it is all here. There's mystery, excitement, and we wonder what they are after and what is the Black crystal for. In terms of flow your story can flow a lot better if you take the time to let each part develop. There was a very rushed feel to the story, especially the conclusion, and there were many parts that needed a lot more elaboration. For example, the story is about the crystal, and yet we know nothing of it. Why is it so important, why are they all after it. There was no background information about it or about the man who was holding it. There is too much information here for it to be a short story, so it really needs to be fleshed out. You can explain what the different colors of Mages denote. Are some more important or powerful than others? It was also unclear who was fighting who. Does each color fight the other? The conclusion can be much stronger if you have the crystal more importance. You mentioned that this is a side story for your book, so maybe with the rest of the book it would make more sense, but I still think there is a lot you can add to it so it is more complete and doesn't sound so rushed. EDITING SUGGESTIONS >Each robe upon it's back bore an emblem, - I think a semicolon works better here. >both these symbols were surrounded by a circle - I think you can condense this by saying, surrounded by a circle (to complete the description before it) > his hood [ , ] unlike all the other [ , ] mages was thrown back - this should also be the beginning of a new sentence. > left hand side >it was blacker that the night - By this point you had already used 'black' three times to describe things, so try using a different adjective to describe the darkness of this crystal. >eminatted an emense power. - Spelling: emanated / immense Also how is the power emanating from it? It wasn't clear. Was it something we saw or felt? Was it something only he knew? > a shout of voices - this is awkward wording. Maybe you can say, Loud voices rose, or Shouting was heard, etc. >a goup - Typo: A group >50 mages of diffrent - fifty should be in words. Spelling: different. >there were mages from of the Blue, Red, White, Green >Horse's - horses >into the black night - Here again I suggest using a different adjective than black. >the demon portal no one can - No one can should be its own sentence. >a a crazy laugh - I think you can reword this in many ways to better explain his laughter. Try using an adverb (He laugh maniacally) for example. Or reword it 'He let loose a crazy laugh' > then arrows came sailing over his head, he heard the screams of the dying men that were hit - Both these sentences should stand on their own because they are not connected in any way. >Then a group of Red Order Mages - you don't have to use then to specify when it happened. The order of the sentence will clarify that by itself. >tree's - trees >After both wave waves of attacks attack >4 men - four >including thier their leader Thank you so much for sharing this story 
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You responded to this review 09/08/2011 @ 5:13am EDT