** Image ID #1528253 Unavailable **

You lay out an engaging family drama here.

Thomas and Caroline have made a great mistake and been "caught" by Vince. Yet, he didn't take on any of them despite their betrayal.

Thomas from his point of view has just continued where Caroline and he had stopped when Vince stepped into her life; yet, his bad conscience showed clearly in his discomfort, his feeling of numbness, his tensed body language. He was in a conflict, wanting both the girl and not hurt Vince.

What happened during the hunting trip was his try to resolve the conflict. However, when he finds out why Caroline made him do it, his guilt and hurt, betrayal and self-hatred about what he did to his father with whom he obviously had not the best of relationships became overpowering until he only can free himself from his moral and emotional burden by literally ending the sick charade after having seen Caroline's true face.

However... When Vince knew, why didn't he intervene earlier? When Caroline didn't want him anymore why didn't she divorce? Why the scheme? Why did Thomas shoot? Because he feared Vince would go at him? Because Caroline told him to and offered a "reward", maybe a family life together, sex, money, whatever?

The content of the story actually was moving, yet the logical uncertainties and even more the technical errors took a great lot away from it and were quite distracting to be honest. They span odd formulations, abundant and missing words, ill or missing punctuation. Here they come, chronologically:

1) Before I do anything(comma)... the events which occurred and brought me to this conclusion.

2) You may ask yourself(no period) (italics)How did I get here?(italics)
3) ... sound of my father's truck arriving(comma) I got up...
4) ... four stools placed by... and took a seat. ("stools" twice is repetitive)
5) ... father-and-son-thing(comma) since my mother passed away...

6) ... visited him... on my own free will. => This sounds odd and out of place in the context. Was he forced to live with father and stepmother before or why does he stress the free will?

7) My father entered(comma) sweating... hunting vest which was already soaked(period)

8) "Thomas(comma)" he said...
9) "Father(comma)" I replied(comma) giving him an approving nod.
10) ... awkwardness that filled/pervaded/ satiated/etc. kitchen like fog.
11) "... loaded for the day(period)" He grinned.
12) "... trip to Kentucky(period)."
13) "Indeed(comma)" he said(comma) while...
14) "Yes(comma)" he answered(comma) while...
15) "Caroline(comma)" I said as...
16) Her eyes fixated on mine.
17) Giving her a smile and a nod I went out the door.
18) ... what lay ahead of her husband...

19) ... engine of the pickup truck and it came to life with a bursting sound. (Otherwise, it reads as if the father makes the bursting sound.)

20) ... and I got inside like I had no control... (otherwise, it reads if only the hands get in)

21) "We need to talk(comma) son. [...] I mean(comma) if you haven't planned anything for the weekend(period)." (Otherwise it sounds rather condescending... or did you intend it?)

22) ... (comma) like I always did.

23) (italics) We need to talk(comma) son. (italics) => The italics, because dialogue is remember, means thought and thoughts are indicated by italics.

24) My father pulled over the truck and stopped. (Trucks can't move on their own.)
25) ... anything worth shooting(comma) so we gave ourselves...

26) ... his gaze burning the side of my face like a laser beam. (This formulation both underlines the father's emotional state as well as the son's bad conscience.)

27) "Thomas(comma)" he finally said.
28) "Remember last night when...?" ("that" doesn't really fit)

29) "It's Caroline(comma)" he said(comma) as he... "She's pregnant(comma)" he said softly.

30) "... looked at each other..."
31) His eyes were fixed on me.

32) "... my friends have seen you with her a lot... This rings a bell?" Do you mean an accusing tone in which he says this? It would fit better; "antagonizing" sounds off.

33) The world around me...
34) I could've given him an answer to all his questions...
35) ... deer sprinting away(comma) frightened of...
36) ...(comma) while he was giving his last breaths.
37) That important fact I found out later...
38) ... all the newlywed excitement was over, ...
39) ... deer behind me(comma) I guess.
40) It was as if he vanished.
41) She told his friends that he was in Ohio,...
42) "I guess(comma) he didn't want..."
43) ... look at his things(comma) I found a copy...
44) ... Vince Eastwood(comma) my father(comma) and Caroline James(comma) his wife.
45) She just made me feel guiltier...
46) ... always threatening me(comma) telling me that she will report...

47) I just couldn't live with knowing that the person I loved had turned into my enemy.

You must take care of all these little things as they are, as said, quite distracting. Something that helps me is reading stuff aloud; it helps in determining if a formulation disturbs the flow of a story, if there are repetitive phrases, missing or wrong-chosen words
and which punctuation must be used.

I hope you aren't too pissed about the rating and didn't take offense on me editing this. I know it hurts to get one's work picked apart like this as it happened to me frequently when I was a newbie. It's just to help you get better.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .