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 Review #3626374 |
 Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Title: Roland & Julia Chapter 1 Author: paradoxex7 Type: Novel - first chapter I found this piece posted at "Newbie Help And Support Review Central" First Impressions: An interesting beginning. Your choice of names, both in the title of the story and in your characters' surnames, immediately points the reader in the direction of a Shakespearean play, and the modern day setting in a high school is intriguing. As a first chapter, it is rather short and would benefit from more details. I don't mean descriptions of the characters and the settings, you cover that part well, but rather a bit more of the background. For example, you mention in one sentence that they moved because of Julia's dad's job, and that would be a good opportunity to flesh out your main character: Show how she felt about the move, like in a flash back let the reader see a temper tantrum she threw when she was first told about it because she didn't want to leave her friends, or something like that. Mention how she misses her old house, anything to give her a bit more depth. As it is, she seems rather disinterested in the whole affair, which, in my experience, isn't how a teenage girl would react. Suggestions: The first thing that jumped out at me is that you don't separate your dialogue into separate paragraphs. Every time a new character speaks, you should start a new paragraph. It makes it easier for the reader to determine who is speaking, especially if you don't use dialogue tags. Take the first paragraph: “Be good in your new school!” said Mr. Speare. “I will dad.” Julia Speare replied. “And don’t forget, if you meet any one named Shake stay away from him or her.” As you don't use a tag for the last sentence, and it is all in one paragraph, it looks like Julia is speaking, when it is really her father. If you split this into three paragraphs, the reader immediately knows who is saying that line, and doesn't have to be interrupted to think about it. It's the same in the second paragraph, and again later in the story. Paragraph Five: There is also a tall bell tower rising out of the roof, she also sees... Two things here: First, this sentence suddenly changes to present tense from the previously used past tense, so it should be, "There was..." and "she saw..." Second, you used the word "also" twice in that sentence, so you might want to change one of them to avoid the word being used again in close proximity. ...she also sees a giant tree on the roof too it was kind of withered and ancient looking. You need a period after "too", and start a new sentence with "It was..." (See how you changed back to past tense in that last part of the sentence, too.) Paragraphs Six and Seven: You switched back to present tense every time you described the school. All those passages should be past tense as well. Paragraph Nine: She first saw a boy to her right in a blue shirt and has brown and yellow hair. That sentence is a little awkward. First, you use present tense again when you describe his hair ("has" instead of "had"), but I would suggest changing that part of the sentence altogether, for example, "...in a blue shirt and with brown..." And did you really mean "yellow"? It gave me an image of someone who dyed bright yellow streaks into his brown hair, and I'm not sure that's what you were aiming for. It's possible of course, but wouldn't "blonde" sound better there? her hair (or wig), cloths and even eyes were all gray I would avoid putting part of the sentence in parenthesis, it disrupts the flow and would read better as part of the sentence. "cloths" - did you mean "clothes"? she was dressed in a navy blue shirt and shorts, a yellow tie, and a forest green jacket her brown hair was tied in two ponytails with pink hair bands. You need a period after "green jacket" and start a new sentence with "Her brown hair..." Or put a comma instead, and continue with "and". Paragraph Ten: “Roland Shake!” Ms. Gray called, hearing the name snapped Julia back into reality; I would suggest a period instead of a comma there as the second part of the sentence is independent of the first. only to see the black haired boy raise his hand, Julia was shocked her, expression changed A few things: First, I checked back over the previous paragraphs to see where you introduced "the" black haired boy, but couldn't find anything, so you probably want "a black haired boy" instead. Second, you need a period after "hand". And finally, the last comma is in the wrong place, you probably wanted it after "shocked". And one final point, I have been out of school, umm, a few years  , and I'm not American, so the abbreviation ELA meant nothing to me. I realise that for you it's perfectly clear what it is, but to accommodate your readers on this site which has many members from all over the world, you might want to spell it out the first time so they know what you are talking about.Final Thoughts: Don't be put off if it seems like I made a lot of suggestions for such a short chapter. They are all quite easy to fix, and I only mentioned them to help you edit your story. The story is intriguing and easy to read, and a good start to a longer work because you have a lot of options what might happen to your characters in future chapters. Welcome to Writing.Com, I hope your time here is enjoyable and productive  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" . ** Image ID #1727504 Unavailable **
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You responded to this review 11/30/2011 @ 3:07pm EST