%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #3626418 |
 Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Title: A deal gone bad. Author: Reno  Type: Flash fiction Initial Analysis: A fast paced action story with some humorous moments and some interesting characters. You made good use of the prompt and wrote a quite readable scene around it. It is, however, more of a scene than a story as all you are doing here is show the action. It does seem incomplete as the reader isn't aware of the background to this story, who the characters were and how they got in this situation, but that is likely due to the word limit you had to work with. Suggestions: Like I said, my main issue was that as this is flash fiction, I was missing some background to understanding what was going on here. I read the beginning as a crime story, and consequently couldn't make sense of the ship and the core worlds you mentioned, and I have no idea what a picket cruiser is. For this story to work, in my opinion, it didn't need to be sci-fi (unless that was a requirement for the contest, that I don't know) and the sci-fi elements only added confusion as I was reading. Paragraph Three: “Yeah sure its just a flesh wound.” Jaxson said sarcastically “Hand me my pistol.” You need some punctuation there. A comma after "Yeah" and after "sure", an apostrophe in "it's" and a period after "sarcastically". Jaxson looked at Tyler “I don’t suppose they will listen to reason?” Again, you need a period after "Tyler". “Hey,” Tyler shouted “You gonna listen to reason?” This time I'd suggest a comma after "shouted". “Listen we just want to get paid! Stop now and no one needs to get dead.” A couple of things: First, you need a comma after "listen". Second, the "get dead" part is a little awkward. You might have been aiming for gangster slang there, but to me "get hurt" or simply "no one needs to die" would work better. No answer I liked the way you left that sentence sitting on its own as it increased the impact, but you missed out the period at the end  Jaxson took out his radio and spoke into it Missing period at the end. Final Thoughts: Despite my issues with the sci-fi elements, which appear all too briefly for my understanding to make it a sci-fi story, I thought as a crime story it worked well. Your action sequence was well written, and the added humour helped make the characters likeable despite the reader not being sure if they were the good or the bad guys. Overall, an enjoyable read, and the suggestions I mentioned above are easily fixed if you wish to do so. Welcome to Writing.Com, I hope you enjoy it here ** Image ID #1795159 Unavailable **
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 11/30/2011 @ 7:09am EST