Congratulations Missy ~ EnjoyingBeingAMommy for your winning bid on Package #25!

You will receive three in-depth reviews, a 10K Ribbon, and a genre merit badge. The following is the second of the three reviews.

Hello again Missy ~ EnjoyingBeingAMommy I chose "Invalid Item" , since you asked me to pick what interested me from your portfolio, I chose this because of the introduction, So here I am. Smack dab in the middle. I can’t go forward and I can’t go back. We have all felt trapped, at one time or another.

Written in first person ~ past tense~ and in casual style, so far, this is my favorite of the two stories. I enjoyed this tale immensely. I did not get the effect of the horror/scary genre. The action/adventure came through loud and clear. I am not much on the fanfiction genre, but there was a subtle humor that satire might work. I am sorry, but who wouldn't want to do away with a bill collector. Just to find the excellent and satisfying ending.

Now, you know that the majority of my star rating is based on the technicalities of grammar and punctuation. I have thrown in a few other suggestions here. Please do not consider the following list as criticism. All I want to do is give you your GP's worth on this fund raiser. Many of the following concerns I have difficulty with when I compose. It is far easier for me to find these in others creative works. FEEL FREE TO DISMISS ANY OF THE FOLLOWING.
He was a somewhat older gentleman with a thin wisp of silver hair combed across his bald head. Compound word ~ consider ...across his baldhead.
...we were seated [sat] at the kitchen table. Passive voice ~ consider the revision to active voice.
In the quiet of the room[,] I heard the distinct sound... Opening words and phrases are best offset with commas to insert that pause.
...payment?” he snarled. [Insert a paragraph] This caught me completely ... My opinion only, but consider separating narrative that does not apply to the dialogue.
I went to the bank right after I got [was] laid off. Use of colloquialism ~ consider the revision.
...by name and treated them [everyone] with respect. Pronoun use ~ consider the revision.
...none of which [I]could be met [meet] by the small unemployment check... Passive voice ~ consider the revision.
It felt like a giant weight being lifted from my shoulders. Passive voice.
Instead[,] he pointed his long, haggard finger in my face.
When I did doze off[,] I was awoken by [awakened with] nightmares of what he might do. Comma and Passive voice.
...but I knew they were pretty well tapped out. Passive voice. NO SUGGESTIONS here, unless you placed this in internal dialogue, such as, ...but I know they are pretty well trapped out, too, I thought to myself.
What’s the worse he could do? Past tense thought. Consider, What's the worst he could do?
I shook it off , went to the door and opened it. Just a simple extra spacing typo.
If you can’t then What good are you?” Capitalization?? Possibly Captialize the complete word if your intent is the emphasis of the word ~ ...then WHAT good...
... find something to protect myself with. End-of-sentence preposition. Consider revising or adding to another sentence such as, ...protect myself with, as my hand drifted across...
When the door flew open[,] I struck out with...
So now here I am. [was.] Hmm...are we still in past tense? If so, consider the revision.
Throwing him in the landfill sounded like a good start, but of course[,] it’s been done before. Those pesky commas.
I needed to do some spring[-]cleaning, so I went through... Compound word ~ consider hyphenating to emphasize the word pair.
...taking it all out by the arm loads. Compound word ~ consider ...by the armloads.
The parts that were too hard to cut, I used his hatchet on. That end-of-sentence preposition. Consider ~ I used his hatchet on the parts...
One by one[,] I looked for spots that...
... could use to hide each bag into. End-of-sentence preposition. Consider ~ ...each bag into, so I searched for ...
It was like hiding easter eggs. Pronoun noun?? ...hiding Easter Eggs.

Excellent descriptive phrasing. A few of those are listed below, and there likely many more. Unfortunately, during my note taking, I got carried away in the story, or there would likely be many more listed.
          It seemed like a switch flipped when his butt hit the wooden seat.
         ...I could feel little drops of spittle hitting me as he spit out his words.

Oh my, as I said earlier in this review, I enjoyed this read! Excellent creative thought! Actually, fantasy at its best, yet I wouldn't necessarily add that as a genre, as it might give away the excellent ending.

Very rarely, do I find a piece that I wish I rated only upon whether I liked it not. If I did, this would receive a perfect 5.0.

Unitl the next review...Keep on writing.
Glenda

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