First Response: I liked it! The purpose and motivation was clear, the emotions well articulated, and the rhyming scheme seemed mostly natural.

Characters: The love, or previous state of love between the narrator is evident. Try detailing each more, be descriptive. Include feelings as well as imagery.

Spelling and Grammar: Use punctuation, both comas and periods to break up the sentence and keep the flow consistent to how you intended it to be.

Good Points: Rhyme, structure, and emotional depth.

Suggestions: Besides the grammar and punctuation, the third paragraph is "off". "
That in you, there is in sight
And evermore happiness we'll bring" needs work whether punctuation or arrangement. Such as:
"That within you, there lies in sight,
The evermore happiness we'll bring" OR
"That within you lies within sight
The evermore happiness we'll bring"

Overall: Good message/theme, with a good structure and basis. Reworking the details and the piece could be a lot better with very little effort other than minor "tweaks".