First Response: Interesting piece with a lot of potential. Strong theme well articulated.
Characters: N/A
Spelling and Grammar: Consider punctuation. Spelling seems to be accurate.
Good Points: Emotionally charged and striking, resonantly empathetic.
Suggestions: Add more detail, possibly make it rhyme or arrange the structure so it adds to the flow.
Overall: A good piece exhibiting a lot of potential and relate-able qualities and emotional force that with little revision could greatly be improved and become remarkable and exceptionally well written.