Hi Missy,

This is a Power Review from

GROUP

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E) Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills! #1300305 by Maryann

Here is the third review in the Holly and Ivy package you won at the Power Reviewers Holiday Auction. I’ve enjoyed reading through your port and getting to know your writing, I hope there are many more stories to come.


Initial hook:

This is really good, you draw the reader in straight away~where is the person? What is going on?

Characters:

The narrator: man/woman? Old/young? We know nothing about them, not even their name.

Mr. Arnold Troy :: You describe him really well. Just from his physical description, we get a nice idea about his personality as well.

“His manner at the door gave me the impression that he meant me no harm, so I let him into the house.” show, don't tell!!

Setting:

The present time, modern day language was used. This suited the story well. Mostly in the kitchen. As this was the main place, you could have described it more.

Atmosphere/tone:

The tone was ripe with menace and suspense, it was really nicely done.

Dialogue:

“I knew I’d missed a few payments but I saw no reason for him to be so hateful.” you could have shown this through some great dialogue.

“This is not my problem.” ~ this whole dialogue is really nice. We get a good idea of the venom of the man.

Parts I liked:

I enjoyed the story, and I wasn't expecting the end where it turns out to be a dream.

Parts I thought needed more work/questions:

I’m not sure about “haggard finger”. The online Oxford Dictionary defines haggard as:

haggard:adjective
1looking exhausted and unwell, especially from fatigue, worry, or suffering:she was pale and haggard, Alex’s haggard face

Can a finger look exhausted?

“Now here I am, about to put it into action.” this is in the present tense, but you g on to tell the story in the past. It makes it a little confusing to read this way.

Overall impression and reading for rating:

I am giving this a 4.0. I thought it was quite well told, and I wasn't expecting the ending. It was a good way of showing how stress can dominate someone's waking and sleeping time! I am awarding this a "Writing" merit badge, I hope to see much more of your work in 2012!


I hope this has been helpful. Please remember it is just my opinion and you know your work best.

I wish you all the best for the coming year! May 2012 be all you hope it to be.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .


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Please feel free to check and review out my newest stories:

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