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 Review #3699187 |
 Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  ! Title: Father Time Author: diggoryvenn Type: Short story  First Impression:The story blends humor, mythology and satire to create a vision of the world that is both believable and absurd. There is a healthy dose of symbolism added in, sometimes it’s clear at other times more allusive. The writing is good, lending a satirical eye and an accusatory finger toward a society more interested in personal gain than worldly. There becomes a clash of wills, with the Pegasus, proud and ironic, against that of the curious man caught on the hour hand. It becomes clear as we read that this man is a thief of time, and as we find out later, he will do anything to bargain for more. The Pegasus, for his part, seems to identify the type of man he is right away. Using word play and caustic language when dealing with the man, it is almost as if the Pegasus with toying with the man, that he knows in the end, what his answer to his question will be. Maybe the very fact that is in on the clock tower tells the Pegasus all he needs to know. Told in an intentionally formal, storybook style, we learn about the man and his weaknesses, and in the end, we find the judgmental nature of the Pegasus. For the winged horse is not without his flaws, he is, as I said, opinionated, though the author undoubtedly wants the Pegasus to be seen from a wider lens, I couldn’t help seeing him from a narrow perspective. He becomes judge and juror, deciding what values are important based upon his own interpretation. The ending is a curious one. And I think some preparation needed to be added to make it stronger. While I liked how the Pegasus mood changed from satirical to serious (as a means of telling the reader that a serious message was taking place there), it just seemed the ending, being as violent and unsympathetic as it was, might have been lessened. Did the man have to die for the lessen to be learned, or to be explained to the reader(since this was your real mission)? It just seemed too blatant, and meant to titillate. Still, the story satisfies our need for justice in an unjust world, and while that and the loose philosophical message are entertaining, it is the facile, witty dialogue that carries this story and will cause the reader to remember it with a smile. I did find a number of issues which I will point out below.  Suggestions: Paragraph Four:In this day and age This is a cliché, there are other good alternatives. Paragraph Four:which I guess is good news for mother-in-laws “mother in laws.” (It is a funny line, by the way.) Paragraph Five:After-all, the evil gorgon was vanquished “After all”. No hyphen. Paragraph Six:where it was soon forgotten. Something like: “forgotten by mankind” would get rid of passive voice here. Paragraph Twelve:Human's are a prideful lot “Humans”. No apostrophe needed. Paragraph Twenty-four:Its been done before you know! It’s (or, “it has”.) Paragraph Twenty-four:I have to be careful with humans, your gratitude is sometimes repaid in strange ways. I’d put a semi-colon after “humans”, not a comma. Paragraph Twenty-five:"A waiver?" shouted the hanging man."OK, You need a space after the period. Paragraph Twenty-six:"Well it's not so easy as all that," I know it is dialogue and how he talks is how he talks, but you still might want to change “so” to “as”. Paragraph Twenty-six:Not all of us can just hang around all day doing nothing, some of us have to do gainful work for a living!" I’d change the comma to a semi-colon. Paragraph Thirty-one:It was a majestic scene, one that should have been photographed and put on the cover of Life magazine...or maybe painted on the Sistine Chapel, or at least on a commemorative plate; and who knows, it might have happened, except just as they were about to shake hands, Father Time interrupted, just as the man had feared, moving his hour hand forward by one digit to five o'clock. That is long and wordy. You got on a roll, and were trying to say too much in as little space as possible. I’d put a period after “plate”. Start the next sentence with “Who knows...” and kill “just as the man had feared.” It’s awkward and the readers know what will happen at six, the don’t need to be reminded.  Final ThoughtsAs you can see, the piece does need a little editing, nothing too strenuous, or time consuming, and that is the good thing. I’m not sure who your audience might me, those who like satirical stories that revolve around the notion of proper ethical conduct, and certainly those who like witty, and a semi-urbane style. There is a lot in this story, a lot that the reader needs to absorb, and may want to think about. It’s not the kind of tale that you read and put away, the reader must invest a little thought into it. And though I do think at times your moral is more than a little strained, it’s a fun story to read and to think about, and that’s what writing is, at its best, and involvement of author and reader. ** Image ID #1786732 Unavailable **
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You responded to this review 04/27/2013 @ 1:45am EDT