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Reviews are limited by at least two things: The reviewer's knowledge/background and the author's temperament. Sometimes the reviewer's understanding and interpretation of a piece misses the mark. When the author believes this is the case, he can become hurt or angered. Please don't be. This review is neither a condemnation of your work, nor an extolment. It's just my opinion, nothing more.




My First Thoughts:

While it is an adventurous enough tale that shows the fear of an invasion, it tends to suffer what a great many stories on this site do: a lack of a back-story. The reader is immediately thrown into the story. He doesn’t know who these people are, other than my their countries’ name. We know more about their weapons than we do their lives, pasts and their present.

Young authors are in a hurry to get to the exciting parts, and since they tend to watch movies more than read good literature, they believe all stories begin with a boom and a bang. But good writing anticipates, it prepares and it explains. It not only provides action, but reasons for that action. It’s not enough to have a crowd of invaders on the doorstep, good readers want to know who they are, why they are and more importantly, something about the lives of those they are attempting to vanquish.

Having said all that, there is excitement within your tale. You show that you know how to handle that action, to create a scene, to express emotion. So that is the good part. You have the ability. Now show me that you can wrap all that into a real story, with an introduction, description, character analysis, and action.

My Suggestions:

Paragraph One:

Women armed with secret daggers clutch their children
The previous sentence was past tense, as is the remainder of the story, so I’d use, “clutched” their children.

First Paragraph:

Men running with their weapons out, searching for the enemy but hoping to find none.
This is a sentence fragment. It could use a verb. Men were running with their weapons out, searching for the enemy but hoping that they would find none.

Sixth Paragraph:

The ancient thick doors of the Mauilyin Keep slammed shut with a heavy echoing bang.

Since “heavy” and “bang” seem repetitive in this instance how about altering that sentence just a little: The ancient doors of the Mauilin Keep slammed shut with a heavy echo.

Tenth Paragraph:

The some of the men that flew from the great doors with each crash got back up and ran back to hold the only thing between them and complete destruction.

“Then” some of the men?

Avoid re-using words in close proximity, in this case, “back.”

Tenth Paragraph:

{ The some of the men that flew from the great doors with each crash got back up and ran back to hold the only thing between them and complete destruction.

I’d get rid of “The” to begin this sentence
.
I’d also avoid using the same word in close proximity. In this instance, “back.”
How about this: Whenever a man was thrown from the great doors, he’d get back up again, and would run back to hold that only thing which stood between them and complete destructiuon.

Eighteenth Paragraph:

{c:red There was complete silence as all were quiet and listened. }
You just wrote that there was complete silence. It is unnecessary to then say, “all were quiet.”

Eighteenth Paragraph:

There was complete silence as all were quiet and listened. They heard nothing.

They heard nothing. Which is what one would hear if there was complete silence. But I do know what you mean. However, I would state it differently, by explaining (as you then do) of the noises that had ceased. Explaining the obvious is unnecessary.

Eighteenth Paragraph:

There was no sound of fighting.
You just got done explaining the lack of all the sounds of fighting, so you don’t need to restate them here.

Eighteenth Paragraph:

The first lights of the new day are coming over the horizon. The night is gone, day is here. The battle is over.
This I all in present tense, though the story was told in past tense. “The night was gone, day was here. The battle was over.”

My Last Words:

As I mentioned above, the action is good. It’s entertaining, electric and will keep the reader on edge. The main issues for me is just a seeming lack of attention, as to structure and content, (using repetitive) language, and the occasional grammatical and spelling issues. It certainly would benefit from more storyline, a backstory especially. More description, more character development, so that readers can feel for the characters, and understand them. Give them some life, more meaning than just pawns for battle. I know you can do it because you’ve shown me your ability with the imagery and energy.

That is how we improve. Start with the exciting parts, then as we mature as writers, we know that there is more to a story than just the battle, there is that whole world that leads up to it, and what comes after too. Look at the movie Braveheart. We learn about the characters, we feel for them, we know their temperaments, and the land on which they live. So when the battle finally comes, it has more depth and meaning, for we’ve invested our time and emotion into those characters.

As I said, I know you have the ability, for have read it in this story, just not as completely as I know you can do.

Review from "Let's help each other grow- Closed"