Hi kafkaesque!

Here is a review for your story "Invalid Item" . Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" 

These comments and suggestions are just my opinion. They are meant to help you write better and not to discourage you. You are the author and it's your choice whether you use my ideas or not.

Title: I like this title and I think it's good enough to catch people's attention and make them want to read it. However, I didn't quite get where it tied in with the story, except that there was a fire when she was in the plane crash. But I could be missing something here, forgive me if I'm wrong.

Plot: You kept me guessing throughout the story, wondering whether she would end up with the doctor or not. When I finally got to the end, I was glad to finally know how everything turned out. The ending was definitely not predictable, at least not to me. I think the plot idea is very original, and even though supernatural stories are not my favorite, I enjoyed this one.

Characters: Avery seems to be a young woman who is not easily daunted, by the way she does anything to deal with her love for the doctor. I would have liked if I could have known her better, though. The times when you told what she was thinking helped with that, especially in the beginning. But as the story went on, she began to feel more distant. It might help to add more of what she was thinking, but other than that I don't know how to make that better. However, there is something about her, maybe her ambition, that makes her seem special.

Punctuation/Grammar: You did a great job here, with no errors that I noticed.

Things I Liked: I like how this showed Avery's sense of humor, and it made me smile: Great way to make a first impression on a hot dude – crash into his house, thought Avery. When I read back over the story, I realized how this was a bit of foreshadowing about the accident. “Soon you’ll fly as high as those birds,” he said to her, gesticulating to the flock above. I like how at first you wouldn't understand the full meaning of it, but once you get farther in the story you do.

Thanks again for requesting a review. I enjoyed reading and reviewing your story.
Write on!
~Jali

You responded to this review 07/26/2012 @ 7:39pm EDT

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