Hello LostGhost: Seeking & Learning

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and also with the "I Write in December-January-February"  [E]. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
The title works for this particular poem/story. It interested me but then again I might be a bit biased by anything that mentions elves. While it's great that the item won and having the contest mentioned in the item description, I would recommend adding more about what the item is about because not all will be biased and might need more than just the title to draw them into reading it.


Comments:
First off, congrats on placing with this in the Writer's Cramp round. Well done.

This is more story than poem though told in poem form in a way that almost hides the rhyme scheme, which isn't easy to do. Though I almost think the rhyming isn't needed because then when I look at it to check the rhyme things fall a little. I'll get to that later. I do like the story idea behind it and overall found this an amusing piece of writing.

The prompt was one that didn't interest me, I must admit, when I saw it in the contest. However, I like the approach you took with it and kicked myself a little that I didn't consider a fictionalized version of the "celebrity sighting". You took a creative and interesting approach with the body in the trunk and even made it a bit of the season using I'm guessing one of santa's elves for it doesn't seem like the other kind of elf.


Rhythm/Rhyme:
Some of the rhymes make sense and almost go unnoticed. However, when I examined the rhymes in particular because I do that when reviewing rhyming poems, I found a number of ones that are close but don't quite work. The first stanza is fine but some of the other ones are a bit rocky in rhyme scheme. Because most of the poem rhymes I'm going off the assumption that you were trying to rhyme. If not then I'd change some of the ends so it didn't make it seem like a rhyme poem. If you are then this stands. Here are a few examples of what I mean:

...my toy car.
...shining stars.
See it's close but the s throws it off a bit.

...is really sick."
...in a fix."
While the x has a sound close to the ck, there is a bit of a difference that makes this part noticeable. And the rest of the stanza doesn't even always follow the rhyme scheme that most of the rest of the poem does. Lines 3 and 4 don't even rhyme. Nor do really 5 and 6, though they are closer than 3 and 4 were in rhyming potential.

These are just two examples but there are a few others. Something to consider if you rework this fun little piece.



Favorite Part:

I will never forget that day; I was just a cocky elf.
This white beard was not there, dashing was my pretty self.
Toy factory was my workplace, North was my home.
These ropes were not there then, I used to freely roam.
Merry was my name and nature, an elf distinguished.

-- Great set up for the rest of the poem/story.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:
These are some things I noticed upon reading and suggestions I have. Hope they help.

Content rating: This is a minor one but I'd either change the rating a little from "E" to ASR at least or possibly 13+ or the other solution would be to cut out the word "s***ty". It's just not something I think from what I've read on here that qualifies as E.

Fairy Senorita, the biggest actress, was standing right there; - Okay, this is just because of the santa elf thing but when he says "biggest actress" I thought she was big size wise, like a giant. lol

I do not what to do, my magic has failed and I’m now in a fix.” - I think the sentence is just missing a word. I would imagine it is supposed to say "I do not [know] what to do,..." instead.

The toy factory is just a dream of past, a pleasure left behind. - My mind keeps wanting to add one more word to this line though it's a simple one, some reason in a rare case, my mind thinks it should be "dream of [the] past" though without isn't bad really.


Overall, good job with creating this item for the Writer's Cramp. It was a fun read. Good luck with the Giselle's challenge and keep on writing.