Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts, at the end of the day whatever you decide is the right answer!

Initial hook: nice little piece of vanity horror

Atmosphere/Tone: relaxed and self centered at first, then tense, stressful, and down right scary by the end

Dialogue: the writing is a little amateurish, very simple sentences with some repetition but I'll chalk it up to the 24 hr contest time limit

What I liked:"Her beautiful face was gone and all that was left was a withered old woman." it almost seems anti-climatic, I mean all she did was run through a ton of rooms, but still the stress and action of the situation was enough to justify the ending

A few comments/suggestions I had:

(Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear)

She was beautiful she was told this every day.
She was beautiful, or so she was told this every day.

Holly has passed this store everyday but never went been inside.


She looked around the first floor, there was four rooms each one with different objects.
She looked around the first floor. There was four rooms, each one with held different objects.

There was a long hall with more rooms with various trinkets.
There was a long hall with containing/boasting more rooms with various trinkets.

She noticed a beautiful oval mirror; it was set in a silver frame decorated with leaves and flowers.
She noticed a beautiful oval mirror set in a silver ornate frame that was decorated with leaves and flowers.

It was lined mirrors, some...
It was lined with mirrors, some...

This was contained stuffed animals and
This one contained stuffed animals and

This was only had masks and a yellow door
This one only had masks and a yellow door

at the end was a stair case, they were small and narrow.
at the end was a small and narrow stair case.

A few parting comments...
avoid using too many simple words and phrases, it clutters the action and flow, my heart was racing for Holly towards the end, good suspense.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .