Hello Weirdone-Back in the games

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and of course with the "I Write in December-January-February"  [E]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
The title is a bit fun and links to the little fun type of poem. It does have an interesting aspect to it, promising an adventure for the reader right in the title. It's good to have the type of poem form in the description, but more would be even better. I would suggest adding a little detail to hint at what the poem is about in the description. It could be something simple and short will be enough to draw a reader in to pick the poem to read over other choices.


Comments:
Interesting poem overall. I like aspects of it, but other parts didn't work for me on a personal level in how I react to poetry. Certain lines sounded great but other parts of the poem don't have a flow in my head and the rhythm got lost. While I like the idea of the poem, it ended up not being one for me.


Form:
I have not seen the form before, so it was interesting to see a poem created in the different form type. In rare instance, I liked the repetitive lines the most in this poem. It follows the form to my knowledge, since I have a limited base as it seems a relatively easy type to do.


Rhythm/Rhyme:
To me, this is the part that didn't work out in this particular poem. The repeated lines have a bit of a rhythm to them, but the other sentences cut that off a bit. They don't have the same flow and even though it's not supposed to have rhyming (and I prefer not rhyming in many ways even though in this one the lines I like the most do rhyme) there are word choices, in particular at the end of sentences, that affect the flow. And having them be all little sentences gives a staccato feeling in a way, it's short beats and that makes it a bit rocky sounding in my head.


Favorite Part:
I like pizza, hot dogs, and chicken wings,
So why does my Mom make me try new things?

I like this part because it's cute, believable, childish and sets up the rest of the poem. It also has a decent rhythm in part because of the rhyme but also in part just because of word choices and sounds in general. In fact, I would take some thing from these lines to add to the brief description in order to draw more readers into picking the poem to check out.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:
These are just a couple comments on some of the lines in particular that the flow struggled for me.

The allergy line followed by the doesn't want me to die were both parts that seemed too short and messed up the flow for me. I also had a harder time linking the sentences in this part of the poem because they were so short and I don't feel it worked with what you were going for. While it's cut to have the poem be about trying something new and maybe being in secret liking it, I think in order to show that you might need a longer poem. Though it is a bit believable to be from a child's pov with how it is written.

Something about the child confiding to me, the reader, in this poem was a struggle for me. I like the idea of a poem written from that perspective but for some reason tonight I just struggled with this one.

However, good job making the effort with the poem and taking on the challenge of the form. Good luck with it in the contest.







My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .