Please remember that these are just my thoughts, at the end of the day whatever you decide is the right answer!

Initial hook: interesting little vampire love tale, you make Elias very mysterious

Atmosphere/Tone:random, mysterious, a little ditzy

Dialogue: there isn't a lot of substance in the characters' speech patterns to account for them falling in 'like' with each other so quickly

What I liked: Even as she stared death in the face, there was something about his voice that seemed to calm her.;
the floor of her house rushed up to meet her.

A few comments/suggestions I had:

(Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear)

the quiet streets of the Crestfaelyn, Illinois,
the quiet streets of the Crestfaelyn, Illinois,

Her shoulder-length black hair seemed to glow in the moonlight.
Her shoulder-length black hair glowed in the moonlight.

After the fight had been finished by the first figure fleeing for his life the second figure approached her.
no need to say the fight was finished when he's running away, bit redundant, maybe: It did not take long for the man who attacked her to flee for his life.

that he had a tattoo of a Celtic cross over one eye.
that he had a Celtic cross tattooed over one eye.

With that he ran through the alley with great speed that she had never seen before. Within seconds he was gone from her sight.
With that he ran through the alley with uncanny quickness. Within moments he was gone from her sight.; the first sentence reads a little odd for me, anyone can disappear in seconds, moments or 'almost instantly' are much faster

"Admiring the darkness."
ummm, wasn't she out late both times because she was working?

"Thanks." she said, it was beginning to get lighter out so, they decided to meet again the next night at the same place.
she never thanked him for the roses....

She had given Jenny the ringtone for Fergie’s song “Big Girls Don't Cry” She always let the ringtone play for a while before answering.
don't see how this information enhances the story

A few parting comments...
not bad, I would probably work on building a bit more character substance to make the reader feel for Cassi and Elias more; I liked the action at the end but it was hard to really care for Cassi's ultimate well-being, interesting attempt at a cliffhanger but why do people keep randomly attacking this chick?



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .