Hello LoneKrampuswolf

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] along with "I Write in December-January-February"  [E]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
Title works for the entry, the little story introduction that you have going inspired by the image prompt.



Initial Reaction:
Interesting. I wasn't sure what the prompt was, though I'm guessing it's the little image at the bottom of the story. Would be interesting to know if there is anything else that inspired this little piece. I'm not used to detective stories, or ones involving the catching of criminals like a serial killers. I liked how it was set up, how the main character laid out the ground work for introducing the woman he had tracked over the years.



Character Development:
This is a start but I'd like to see more.

Detective - He was okay in this piece. Doesn't stand out much, but it's a small section of writing and you'd have to get a good 5,000 words or so I'd say to really flesh out either of the characters. He could use a little more personality shown but overall wasn't too bad. Some readers could relate to and find his story interesting, I'm sure.

Stacy - She is the focus in a way of this story because she is what he is focused on and it shows him finally meeting her in person. However, I found when she actually appeared that I felt a little let down. He builds her up in the first part and she does have some great lines when we get to her section, but I expected something a little more. After how he builds her up, she didn't quite meet the standard he had set out.



Plot:
Okay for the most part. We are seeing him reach the point of meeting this criminal he's tracked over the years, one that has killed a number of men. There is some tension and conflict, most on a psychological level and an implication for more in the ending but it feels more like a scene and not a full story because the rise to conflict and resolution isn't in its standard format in this piece. I didn't feel so much as a resolution to anything, but a little taste of more to come. It's more of an appetizer than an entree if a food comparison helps to clarify my confusing thought process.



Ending:
Hints at something more and I like that she, despite being in handcuffs, presents a challenge instead of being defeated.



Line-by-line and Suggestions:
These are just a few comments, not going to focus on too many of the minor things that can be worked on after the story is developed more, if you choose to do so.

The guard falling asleep - I found this a bit questionable. How long has he been guarding her that he actually fell asleep. Had a hard time believing it.

Weak words - These are some that I noticed but they are often the ones that hedge, don't go strong on the claims. The first sentence is a big time offender and is the most obvious. Like, we get why someone would say that line but at the same times it's a weak way to start the story. Consider these to options: "I guess I didn't think things would go that way." versus "I had no idea job would lead to a dead body." It's a case in part of generals versus specifics but when you get words like "suppose" or "really" it can affect the strength of a sentence.

Method of killing - the line about her method of killing being hard to distinguish, I think that is an incorrect wording. It's easy to distinguish between other methods as an arrow along with fact melting and fingers cut off is easy to tell. However, I think what you mean by it is that it is hard to track. Since it's not like a registered weapon or anything. Something along those lines as opposed to the distinguish.


Overall good job, hope the writing challenge went well for you. Keep Writing.





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .