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Initial hook:

"A musty hot veil of perspiration shrouded the entire city on the hottest day of the year." This is a fantastic opener. You really give the scene life. It's a powerful image.



Characters:

"I however, had to go to work, and once there I discovered I was the only one who had shown up." This shows us something about the character. Why did he have to go to work? Is it a part of his personality? It can't be his work as no-one else came. He's an ethical worker!

"I had only managed to kill time for about an hour, when things became to grow dull again. " The so-far nameless character doesn't act in a very consistent way. If he hates his job, his boss and the office and heat so much, why is he staying there when no-one else is? Why doesn't he just go home?

" Sorry Jason my friend, but you’re definitely not getting that promotion you asked for. I walked outside, and whistled on my way home." The problem I found with this man is that is totally unlikeable. Why is he so spiteful to his boss, and his co-workers? What horrible thing did Jason do to him? It sounds as though Jason was simply better at his job that his nameless man, and this man has decided to ruin his future for no reason. You need to make a hero likeable in some way, or at least have good reasons for doing horrible things, or people won't read about him.

Plot:

A man(?) goes to work and wonders why no-one else his there. He messes up the office, and then discovers it is the office's day off. He uses his friends card to sign out, thus letting him take all the blame. I did find it unsatisfying that his man(can you give him a name?) seemed spiteful and childish for no reason. He was a horrible man who couldn't get out of a job he disliked, and punished his friend for his own mistake of coming in on the wrong day. What a loser!

Also, why didn't he clean up his mess? It was only broken pencils on the floor, unplugged wires and paintings that needed straightening!


Grammar and technical advice:

"The door scraped against a large letter “r” that fell from the company sign." IT sounds as though the sign is already on the floor, so "had fallen" instead of "fell"?

" I went inside without the kindness for picking up my boss’s lost letter." This sentence doesn't sound good in English.

"Despite being inside my boss had strict regulations on the thermostat, and the lazy good-for-nothing had refused to come in today." This reads as though the man is inside his boss! Has he been eaten? Use a comma.

"Despite being inside, my boss had strict regulations on the thermostat, and the lazy good-for-nothing had refused to come in today." Even with the comma, this is confusing. I thought the boss was inside(the office)? How can he also not be at work?

"It was Wednesday, of course."


Parts I liked:

I think you have a verty descriptive style. Everything was described beautifully. You paint the scene very well, without slowing the plot.


Parts I thought needed more work/questions:

I didn't see the motivation for this piece. You need your readers to have sympathy for your leading man. Why does he hate his job? Tell the reader something horrible his boss has done. Why does he punish Jason? Show the reader how spiteful, lazy or arrogant Jason is.

Also, he seems very confident he won't get found out, but what is Jason has an "alibi" for the day? Even if he just went shopping, the receipt will show the time. He'll be caught, or not caught, on CCTV leaving or not leaving his apartment. There may not be cameras on the office building, but the will surely be plenty on the street, which the police will look at when they report the "break-in".



Overall impression and reason for rating:

Overall, I thought you did a good job on this story. I pointed out a few grammar errors, and there were some more. Brush up on your skills, it really helps. Although I thought the main character wasn't worthy of the attention, you wrote him very well, and all of your descriptions were top-notch. Jeep going!


I hope this has been helpful. Please remember it is just my opinion and you know your work best.


The best way to say thanks is to read and review my newest stories:

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