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Initial hook:

"The tingling, inner pain of my stomach runs all the way up to my throat." Aha, illness,this is always a good hook. Lots of drama and conflict can ensue from being sick.


Characters:

I paragraph 3 I learn this is a man. Man flu perhaps? The drama becomes expected! Only joking...


Plot:

I really wasn't sure how sick this man was. By the end of the story, it sounds quite serious, but until that point, it really sounds like a food bug, or the flu. Is this a terminal illness? From the dialogue, it sounds as though he looked after her when she was sick- just as sick as he is now. So, did she have a terminal illness, got better, and then he gets one? They sound too unlucky to be believed!


Atmosphere/tone:

You show how tender the couple are throughout.


Dialogue:

""Now...stay in bed, for me. It is my turn to take care of you. " The lack of contractions here make it sound formal, which is not in keeping with the rest of the character's actions. Try:

""Now...stay in bed, for me. It's my turn to take care of you. " This sounds more in keeping with the relationship.


Grammar and technical advice:

"My robed body is laying in bed, " lying. Unless your robe is producing eggs!

" So warm, yet I am filled with bitter chills as I slowly. breath in and out." No need for a full stop after "slowly" or a comma. this can be punctuation free!!

" I try to push myself up,>no need for a comma here< so I can get out of this bed, but my plan is thwarted. "

Parts I liked:

"Our mouths both smiled, in sync with one another. Such was the nature of our connection." a lovely description.


Parts I thought needed more work/questions:

"My body makes a low, gargling noise as I try to sigh" Although, I like the gargling body part, I don't see the connection between these to events.



Overall impression and reason for rating:

I have to admit, I am confused as to what is going on. The man is sick, but by the dramatic nature in which the story is written, by the end of it I'm sure he could die from it. The story also suggests, as I mentioned earlier, that he looked after her when she was sick, and it sounds as though she was a sick then as he is now. This is indeed an unlucky couple! To both get terminal illnesses! It doesn't seem quite possible to me, although I'm sure it happens. I would like to know what this man has, and early on in the story, so I know how to take it. And what did she have? I'd like to know that, too. You have a wonderful way of setting mood and showing feelings. Keep writing!

You show the loving relationship well, and how they feel about each other shines through ell.


I hope this has been helpful. Please remember it is just my opinion and you know your work best.


The best way to say thanks is to read and review my newest stories:

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