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 Review #3856557 |
  Greetings! A review from "P.E.N.C.I.L."  , a review you requested for yourself.   The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your item. If you disagree with any of the suggestions below, feel free to ignore them. I am not a perfect writer myself but "Practise makes a man perfect" neither I want to make you depress or angry, so Write On! Plot: This is a very interesting novel with a wonderful beginning and I had never thought that you would go with Sci-fi and Detective genres, really nice choice and well done! The theme is interesting though there is not much information about the work of the detective, except a little told that he is a cyber detective. However, the reader would like to know what a cyber detective does, what kinds of crime he stops etc. As this is a new feature that I have never read anywhere, I would love you to spread your imagination and use them at any place you like! Rating:   Character Development: There was not a lot of character development in this chapter but the reader gets to know about Detective Barnes and his first case that he is going to solve. The reader would love to see the Detective! How he looks, the way he behaves, his expression, his clothes, his equipments and his personality, who does he work for, is he a private detective working himself alone or with a company and what not you can add! This all finally builds up to your character development. The reader is introduced to other characters as well such as Jason, Emily and George and what information you have written about them is absolutely correct for the fact that they are not the main characters and just a part of this chapter. Rating: *halftar*Style/Grammar/spelling/punctuation: I found a few places where you could have improved. The red phrase(s) are from your chapter while the green lines are my personal opinion and suggestion. Please remember that at any stp, I do not wish to offend the author because no one is perfect. If you feel offended or do not agree with any of the below suggestions, kindly ignore them. Rating: Dialogue: Rating: Flow/Sequence: Rating: My favorite thing about this story: Overall: Overall Rating:  Thank you for allowing me to read and review your story.  Write On! Take care and Have a great day! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Check out this WONDERFUL activity!
"30 Day Image Prompt Contest - CLOSED" by Cinn  "The Simple Fundraiser " by NaNoNette "P.E.N.C.I.L. Anniversary Fundraiser " by Creeper Of The Realm  "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor CHECK OUT MY PORTFOLIO! the reader would like to know more about how the place looked rotted and not really good, what happened and how did things look there? why was the cyber division police disliked? because of the people's opinion that they could hack into anything? why is only the interface in cognitive Interference field generator capital and others lower case? If it is a name then all should be capital. “I’m sorry about this officer. A coma required And you said that the detective show the badge to a camera. What kind of camera? I see that this story is sci-fi and this is a really nice idea that there are cameras and people can see who is the visitor. I understand but what if the others do not and this can influence their mood and joy reading this chapter. It would be better if you defined. And this floor seemed better or good than the area, why was it? Because it was a sumptuous place? A famous place? Anything will keep the reader engaged in reading! She seemed totally unaware of her own body’s proportions. She at least was sober, but her clothes were still wrinkled, and a bit dirty like she hadn’t changed from yesterday. - Very interesting and nice description! Up to the reader's expectations! A detective sees even small errors and if this is not in a detective based story then how can one expect to keep the reader engaged? Wonderful!  why is the "gave" in The government Gave capital? “Emily Reccette, This is my husband George.” - Comma needed "The detective paused “Has he ever hit you?”" Who is the "he" that is mentioned here? Jason's father? The reader would like to know what happened in the end with Jason. What did he tell? Did he really get a foster family?  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 05/11/2013 @ 11:59am EDT