Hello. My name is Thomas Beckett, a former newspaper journalist. You requested reviews, so this is mine. I will give the review in two parts: 1) word usage, grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, etc, and 2) overall opinion of the story. Okay?

Before I start, let me tell you that many writers, including myself when I was a novice writer, tend to be too wordy, meaning using unnecessary words like "that" and "had". You will learn that most of the time using "had" is not necessary and often makes a sentence awkward. I will point this out here very soon.

I had really stepped out of the boat this time Delete "had". You don't need it. Once you delete it, read the sentence and you will find the sentence is just fine w/o it.

I found myself unwillingly being checked into a domestic. . . "unwillingly being" is awkward. Delete "being" and the sentence sounds better; it flows better. Using "being" sets the scene as right now, this very minute, however, you then say no one knew you and you knew no one. But how would you know that at the time you were being checked in? You would find that out later after you are checked in. So, you have a conflict with "tense". "Being" is NOW, but finding out you knew no one is "later". See?

The shelter was not overly full, so I was alone in a room that if necessary could house 4 people. What is "overly full'? Most words ending with "ly" are adverbs. If you were able to find a bed, then the shelter is not full, at all. So, it COULDN'T be OVERLY full, right? Next, "if necessary" is a clause that defines the room capacity. It should be separated on both sides with commas. Numbers: Numbers 1-10 should be written out, and numbers more than ten can be indicated by digits. So, you should write, ". . .could house four people."

The woman who had done my intake papers had taken me to a back Here you use "had" twice in one sentence. Replace "had done" with "completed". It sounds much better and you reduce two words to one. Replace "had taken" with "took". Again, it sounds much better and you use one less word. See that?

I was told they would leave with me when I left, This would be easier to read and understand if you wrote, "I was told I could take them when I left." Sound easier to read? To be entirely literal, it sounds like when you left, the bedding would leave with you, apparently walking out right behind you, like pets. Can you see that?

A brick lodged it’s self in the pit of my stomach. it's is a contraction. It is a contraction of IT and IS. So, you wrote, "A brick lodged it is self. . ." That doesn't make any sense, right? Change "it's" to its. Remove the apostrophe. I know you are trying to be "prose-like", but honestly, a brick is not going to lodge in your stomach. Try a different metaphor.

Where was God and why had He not delivered me yet? Was He asleep? Did He not care? What was He waiting for? Hadn’t I done my part? Hadn’t I heard Him when He had warned me of the danger and warned me to get out of the house before it was too late? Three things here. First, you have two complete sentences with one period, making it a run-on sentence. You must put a comma after "God". That joins the two sentences correctly. In the last sentence, you use "had" twice. "Hadn't I" and "when He had warned" . Delete the second had. You don't need it. Lastly, wow--you overwhelm your reader with so many questions! Can't you reduce it to maybe TWO questions instead of seven or eight?

I did what He had told me; so why was I here in this place? Surely in all God’s mercy and kindness, He would never want me shut up in this shelter. Wasn’t He supposed to take care of me? The rest of that day passed in a blur. I responded only when directly asked something and then, only the bare necessity of responses. Again, the use of "had". Delete "had". No need for a semi colon. Put a comma there. More questions for the reader. Too many questions. Remove the comma after "then".

Having more experience making something out of nothing came in handy here and I thrilled at the challenge. In the paragraph that this sentence is in, change the numerals to the written word. Then, this sentence is another run-on sentence: two complete sentences jammed together with no "link". To link them, put a comma here ". . .handy here, and. . ."

While I had been in the pantry, I had seen pancake mix. Again "had". This is bad grammar here. Replace "had been" with "was" and "had seen" with "saw".

Time flew by as I deiced Misspelled "diced".

threatened to over flow. Overflow is one word.

about 5 miss-matched tables and chairs. Spell out 5. It is mismatched, not miss-matched. I suggest writers keep a dictionary close at hand, or bookmark dictionary.com so you can refer to it quickly.

The women started drifting back into the shelter One paragraph starts like this, then the next paragraph starts like this: As the women drifted in, they all Repetition. You need to change the opening line(s) of one of these paragraphs.

Kids played, and had fun hiding under the tables which were now forts, as I patiently No comma needed after "played", but a comma IS needed before "which" and after "forts".

I’d spend so much time in the kitchen. Planning, prepping, and working to make the evening meal something special for all the ladies, I had forgotten my fears and my own worries. I focused on others, and by doing so, had helped myself as well. I think by now [after reading the line in blue] it is obvious that you, and many other writers, overuse the word "had", making their writing too wordy. Instead of "I'd spend" probably meaning I WOULD spend, spell this out so it is not confused with "I had". Instead of "had forgotten", write forgot. Instead of "had helped", just write "helped". Then you need a comma after "myself",

to find out what I had made that day. It was something positive they could look forward to. Instead of "had made", just write "made". Then, ending a sentence with a preposition like "to" or "at" is very bad grammar, especially ending with "at". So, write that last sentence something like this: [just a suggestion] It was something positive they could look forward to when they returned in the evening. <<Does not end with a preposition.

I was always happy to close myself into my room as soon after the meal as possible. I talked with and interacted with the other women I am confused here. You were always happy to what?? Next sentence: repetition. You use "with" twice very close to each other. This should be written "I talked and interacted with the other. . . "

There was one little boy, about 7 months who was diabetic and I always had a yummy, sugar free treat just for him. The kids quickly learned I always stopped to play with them. I’d always have a pitcher of cold cool aid for them or a cookie or other special goodie. You omitted a comma that should be after "months". Spell out seven. Run-on sentence. You need a comma after "diabetic". It is usually written Kool-Aid or cool-aid with a hyphen. Kool-Aid is a brand name, a proper name, so you need to capitalize it. If you don't want to mention the product, use a hyphen with cool-aid and do not capitalize.

She apologized for interrupting my privacy, they all knew I liked to be alone, but her youngest boy, the diabetic wouldn’t settle down and was driving her nuts Major error here. What is in green is a complete sentence just sort of poked in there, and is bad sentence structure. If you really want to put it there, put that between parenthesis ( ). Then you need a comma after "diabetic".

I was there, waiting for God to get me out of there. Why the comma after "there"? No need for it. Misplaced comma. Then instead of saying "there" twice, just say, ". . .waiting for God to give an opportunity to leave."

I decided to take the little one to the make shift nursery, which was a small room that someone had pretty much dumped toys in a box and called it a nursery. it is "make-shift". The last part of that sentence is awkward. It could be completely rewritten like this: ". . .which was really just a room where toys were stored in a box."

I was getting a bit worried he was going to scream himself horse. This sounds like if the kid kept screaming, he would turn into a horse. Hmmm....use a dictionary. The word is hoarse.

One of the other ladies three year old came Writing ages like this must be written with hyphens: three-year-old.

the child had the hang of it and balancing the softly fussing but not screaming baby I taught the hand motions What is in green is an interjection, not a complete sentence, and must be separated from the rest of the sentence by commas. Also, what is in blue is another run-on sentence. You must also put a comma after ". . .hang of it,"

I loved the position and as the days went by I stopped fervently praying for God to get me out of there. Instead, I found myself praying for the women and children. As I learned more about each one and the lives they led and the abuse they had suffered, I realized perhaps there was a reason for my being there and it had nothing whatsoever to do with me. Perhaps, the reason I was there was to show these women and children the Love of our Father. Love that many of them did not know but though small acts of kindness, perhaps they would discover. Run-on sentence. You must recognize that when you have two complete sentences joined with "and", it is usually a run-on sentence without a comma to separate them. You need a comma after "position". Delete "had" again. The next run-on sentence is in green. Put a comma between them. What is in red is a sentence fragment. It is not a complete sentence. You can correct this several ways. One way is to replace the preceding comma with a semi colon and not capitalizing "Love". Then, lastly , ". . .the Love of our Father. . ." Why did you capitalize "Love" here? It should be lowercase.

Overall opinion:

I can see clearly that you entered that shelter with a negative attitude, not wanting to be there, but eventually your attitude turned around. You found a purpose, a way to help others instead of dwelling on your own problems. The story is not quite complete, though, because you ended it HOPING the other women would discover the love of God, but you took no steps to bring any attention of that love to the women. It is a good story, but it left me wondering--did you ever mention God or His love for them to them?

It is a very good idea to keep a dictionary and thesaurus close at hand. Or use dictionary.com on a new tab of your browser.

Good luck with your writing!

Thomas Beckett



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .