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Review #3862522
Viewing a review of:
 True Pain My Love. Open in new Window. [13+]
a girl & her friends have had a painful year and turn into some baddassgirls and start...
by BringItOnLoves Author Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
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Title: True Pain My Love.

Author: BringItOnLoves Author Icon

Type: Short story


Wow, that is quite a scene you have here. A lot happens in just 219 words, it’s a life changing event for the main character and her family and the readers can’t help but feel for the girl despite not knowing all of the details. A lot of the story is a little unclear, and the way you jump from her walking into a new school to the backstory of how she came to be there was a bit abrupt. Perhaps some of the problem could be solved if you used paragraph breaks in the story rather than writing everything in one big paragraph, then it would be clearer where another part of the story begins.

Another issue is that there are numerous grammar and spelling errors. I won’t bore you with the details as you could fix this easily by using spellcheck – there is an option to check the spelling here on Writing.Com – or copying the story into a word processing program like Microsoft Word, which will point out most of the errors for you. As it is, the errors make the story a bit difficult to read at times, and if you want the readers to enjoy your tale, then you can’t have them stumbling over typos in every sentence :) I’m not saying that to be mean, but readers will move on to a different item very quickly if it is clear that the writer didn’t take much care with the story, no matter how good the tale might be. And that would be a shame since it seems that you have something interesting here – it’s just a little hard to read.

The story itself seems quite intriguing, and if you continue writing it, you will probably fill in some of the details, for example more about the main character, why her actions provoked Josh to have such an outburst and why the mother immediately decided to leave – has that sort of thing happened before? Those kind of details make the story more realistic and allow the readers to connect better with the characters, so I along with fixing the grammar and spelling, I hope that you will flesh out the story a bit. You have a nice start here, it just needs a little work :)




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