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 Review #3862540 |
 | Someone To Blame: Part 1  [13+] Forced from his home, Tywin, a healer must survive alone in the wilderness.  |
| (4.0)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Title: Someone To Blame: Part 1 Author: Cailean Jones Type: Chapter  First Impression: It’s always interesting to see how writers approach the beginning of longer stories. Some jump right into the action and fill in the details later, some introduce the character in every little detail. You didn’t do either. You told the readers the minimum about your character, really only his name and what he was wearing, that he was a healer and had been banished. You spent the rest of the chapter showing the readers what the forest was like and how Tywin reacted to it. I liked that you took the time to describe it all because it told the readers a lot about his character. Apparently he had been a very driven man who spent a lot of time doing his work, and he had never taken the time to appreciate life. You don’t say how he got into this situation, what happened to cause him to be banished, but despite the obvious hardship he is now facing, it seems that he is finding something positive in it. The end of this chapter suggests that the tranquillity might be short-lived, but in my opinion it worked well as an introduction to his character. There are, as I said, a lot of details missing, but as this is only the first chapter, I’m sure the readers will find out all they need to know later. If you are interested in editing this chapter, I have a few suggestions that might be of use.  Suggestions: rang out among the trees. A sharp crack rang out You might want to avoid using the same words or phrases so close together, it gives the sentences a repetitive feel. Seeing nothing but a large chipmunk nibbling on an acorn. This is a fragment, perhaps you would want to consider adding a subject to the sentence (for example, “He saw nothing...”) to complete it. Just once I wish that I would find someone out here. As these are Tywin’s thoughts, I would put them in italics to make it clearer. Its been almost You need an apostrophe in “it’s,” the contraction for “it has.” time spent in the Forrest Unless the forest is called “Forrest” I would put the word in lower case and correct the spelling. How did I never notice any of this before. Again, these are Tywin’s thought so they should be set off in some way, as I mentioned before, for examples with italics. Or you could put them in speech marks and add a dialogue tag like “he muttered.” Also, since it is really a question, there should be a question mark at the end. The nature lost it's beauty Here, you don’t need the apostrophe in “its” as it is a possessive pronoun meaning, more or less, of it or belonging to it. the burden of reality that comes with his new life As the story is written in past tense, you need “came” instead of “comes” here.  Final Thoughts: It’s an interesting start, and I saw that you have already written a few more chapters so it seems that you got into this story. I hope you continue to write it, and I wish you luck  ** Image ID #1833397 Unavailable **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 06/01/2013 @ 12:13am EDT