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 Review #3862565 |
 | Salem Chapter 1  [13+] This is chapter 1 of a novel I have been writing that I have called Salem.  |
| (3.5)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Title: Salem Chapter 1 Author: Tiger of The Light Type: Chapter  First Impression: When I read a fantasy story, I’m always interested in the world the writer creates for the story to take place in. There are many different ways to do that, and here, you choose to go with a futuristic world that is still Earth, just a long way into the future. What struck me as interesting was that it appears the humans have finally managed to come together as one race, rather than separating themselves into divisions by insisting that their distinct physical characteristics makes them different from each other. The bad news is that instead of picking fighting among themselves, they found a different race to fight against. It seems that the demons, the second race you mentioned, aren’t playing a big part in this tale. Of course that can still change as this is only the first chapter of a longer story, but so far, there seem to be two main races, the humans and the Salems. The fourth one isn’t really a race, they are just robots created by the humans as fighting machines so I’m not sure if they qualify. However, it seems that the story is going to centre on the fight between the Salems and the Salem Killers, and in particular on the main character’s fight to get revenge for his/her parents’ death. What I was missing in this chapter was a bit more detail about the main character. You describe his/her appearance and a few details about their life, but there isn’t much in the way of emotion. Consequently, readers will find it hard to relate to him/her, but hopefully you will include a bit more backstory in future chapters.  Suggestions: The story is written in an informal style, and there are a few sentence that sounded a little awkward because of it. For example, The first race I shall even bother mentioning sounded a little too casual, and to tighten up the narrative, you could try shortening the sentence, like, “The first race is...” There are also a couple of instances where it seems that you missed out a word, like in this sentence, Not to say that are all like that “...that they are all...” maybe?  Final Thoughts: I liked the idea of trying to imagine what the world might be like so far into the future, and the creating of a race like the Salems sounded quite intriguing. I hope you carry on writing this story, it seems that you have given it a lot of thought  ** Image ID #1833995 Unavailable **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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