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 Review #3862882 |
| (2.0)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !  My Initial ReactionHi there, I'm back to review chapter three!  I enjoyed this section a great deal. We are introduced to a few new characters, I suspect that Ryn's friend and the enemy dark elf will both be continuing characters in the story. Things have certainly taken an interesting turn what with you introducing vampires to our motley assortment of humans and elves. I like the way they are brought into the picture, I can completely imagine a dark elf seeing it as an enlightening honor. What with all that is happening, I am really looking forward to seeing what will happen next. I think that this is the farthest I've ever read in a WDC book item, and I suspect I will probably see the piece through the the end. Overall, well done!  My Thoughts Regarding ImprovementFirst: In the sixth paragraph, I find it a bit redundant to use "smoky' to describe "haze". "Haze" already allows the readers to picture a dim, smoky interior, so there is no need for the adjective in question. Second: As I may have mentioned before in another review, the giant spaces you use to denote a change in character or scene is really distracting. I would suggest normal spacing separated by Writing ML. It will be more visually appealing and easier on the eyes. Third: The final sentence of the sixth paragraph is a bit awkward to me, almost as if it were incomplete. This is due to "didn't hurt business at all"- something about this feels wrong in conjunction with the rest of the sentence. I would suggest replacing it for better effect, perhaps "didn't hurt either"- this would really make sense after what comes before, plus, this helps the flow of the piece. Fourth: In paragraph seven, you have "from their haggard looks they just arrived"- here, it seems as though there is a word missing. I suggest inserting "had" after "they". Fifth: In paragraph eight, you need an apostrophe at the end of "sayin". Sixth: In the eleventh paragraph, you need to use an apostrophe to show possession when you say "Davy Jones ship". You can either use an apostrophe in conjunction with another "s", or just an apostrophe at the end of "Jones". Seventh: In paragraph thirteen, you have "You’ve too much mead Tauric, or mad"- the dialogue really feels incomplete and seems to have some words missing. I would suggest a re-write, perhaps like "You've had too much mead Tauric, or are mad". Eighth: An ellipsis is used to replace an implied/omitted word or to trail meaningfully off into silence. It is not meant to be randomly thrown into a story for effect. In cases where it is bordered on either side by text, you need to have a space between the words and periods. And also, an ellipsis is comprised of three periods, not four. This problem occurs in other areas of the text. Ninth: In paragraph twenty-three, you have "Drexel's grinned vanished"- it seems to me that you need to the drop the "ed" on "grinned".  Tenth: In paragraph twenty-three, you have "checkout", considering how this word is used, this should be "check out". Eleventh: Don't forget to use commas when you have a string of adjectives to describe something. Twelfth: You need to add in the word "had" between "he" and "found" in paragraph twenty-six. Thirteenth: In paragraph twenty-eight, you need to add in the word "had" between "Drexel" and "waited". Fourteenth: In the second sentence of paragraph twenty-eight, you need to tack on an "s" to the end of "building". Fifteenth: Paragraph thirty-two is spaced down too far, as it is actually part of paragraph thirty-one. You do this in other areas as well. Sixteenth: In paragraph thirty-three, you need a comma after "ghosts" to break up the flow a bit. Seventeenth: In paragraph fifty, you have "brick they just came from'- here, reading is awkward and makes the reader stumble. I would suggest adding in the word "had" after "they" to improve flow. Eighteenth: Don't forget to add in a comma after your dialogue tag ends, where applicable. Nineteenth: In paragraph fifty-one, where you describe the grand-master- this sentence is a little unclear, as it seems like the sword is the grand-master, not the dark elf. I would suggest a re-write for clarification. Twentieth: In paragraph fifty-six, when you are describing the sacrifice- I would suggest moving "firm" in front of "supple" for best effect. The way it is currently written, it made me stumble while reading. This edit should improve flow and remove that problem. Twenty-first: In paragraph eighty-two- Most editors will look down on using quotation marks and dialogue tags to indicate a characters thoughts. I would suggest deleting both of these, and using italics instead. This is an acceptable method to editors. Twenty-second: In paragraph ninety-four, you might want to add in a dash between "sun" and "faded". Twenty-third: In paragraph ninety-four, you have " tucked into almost knee high black leather boots"- this is an extremely verbose and thus awkward line. I would suggest toning this down a bit for best effect. Twenty-fourth: In paragraph ninety-five- you use do many contractions, that it makes the piece awkward. Please don't be afraid to spell it out- "I have" instead of "I've". Twenty-fifth: You have a habit of putting unrelated bits of dialogue in the same paragraph, thus making the sections hard to understand and read. For example, your character says something, then asks a random question- having these two bits side by side is not a good idea. I would suggest becoming well acquainted with the space bar!  Twenty-sixth: In paragraph ninety-eight- you have "none as yet"- this, in conjunction with the rest of the section is awkward. It feels incomplete. I would suggest adding in the word "of" after "as" for better effect. Twenty-seventh: Paragraph ninety-nine- in places where you have "Thank you *name, title*" you need a comma after "you". So here, I would suggest adding one in before "Captain". Twenty-eighth: In paragraph 101- You have "Her smile was like being kissed by a warm sun on a frigid day as she replied"- now while this is nicely worded, you make it sound like there is more than one sun. I would suggest replacing the "a" before "warm" with "the" for clarification. Twenty-ninth: In paragraph 103- you have dialogue from her, action from him, then dialogue from her. The way this is set-up, it sounds like he is doing the final bit of talking instead of her. I would suggest adding in something, perhaps a dialogue tag, or some action (she shifts in her seat- then when dialogue occurs we know it is her) to clarify. Thirtieth: In paragraph 104- you have "look" which is the wrong tense is light of the rest of the sentence. You need to change this to "looked". Thirty-first: Paragraph 105- the first bit of dialogue is very awkwardly worded, and is a little unclear. I would suggest a re-write. Thirty-second: In paragraph 107, you have "It had always"- this is another area where you use the wrong tense. "Had" should be "Has". Thirty-third- In paragraph 109, you have "new frightening"- this is another of those awkward areas, where it seems that you have your words jumbled up. I would suggest moving "frightening" to the fore. Thirty-fourth: Paragraph 109- you have "we no longer working to create light and the dark elves are no longer touched"- yet another awkward section, here, it appears you have a word missing. I would suggest adding in "are" after "we". Thirty-fifth: In paragraph 110, you need a comma after "forgive me". This is a spot where you want a pause in the flow. Thirty-sixth: Paragraph 111- This is one of those comma areas I was talking about. You need a comma after "justice". Thirty-seventh: The first sentence of paragraph 112 is very long and awkward- this is a sentence that needs to be broken up with a comma or period for better flow. Thirty-eighth: In paragraph 113, you need a comma after "watching" to include a much-needed pause in the flow. Thirty-ninth: Paragraph 116- you do not need two separate sets of quotation marks where you have "Documents". "Ryn."- this can all be included in one set.  My Closing CommentsThank you so very much for another great read. I will certainly be back for another chapter before too long. Please note that this review is given in the spirit of one writer trying to help another to grow. My rating is based off of "Comment-In-A-Box" , which I find to have excellent guidelines.-- Oceanborne ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You last responded to this review 06/02/2013 @ 10:19am EDT