Hello, Fi . This is a review from "Invalid Item" !



Please accept these comments as those of merely an interested reader and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


INITIAL IMPRESSION:

I loved the concept, the premise in its humanity and warmth. It drew me in, it caught me and held me.



BEGINNING:

What I like:

I like the situation in the beginning, the utter dichotomy between the formality of the setting and the painfully emotional hit she is receiving.

Suggestions:

I think I would like to have a bit more information on sensations, on emotions and what they do to her.

Favourite part:

“You are their legal guardian,” the lawyer said, shrugging his shoulders





EMOTIONAL DRAW:

What I like:

Is immediate and clear.

Suggestions:

I think you could make her more sympathetic. Her reactions are entirely understandable but, on bare facts, they make her appear cold. Give me her internal monologue, her shock, her fear. Let me feel her in this situation, in this horror.



DESCRIPTIVE ELEMENTS:

External:

What I like:

I love the way you describe what happens, the way you can create the outside images, the way you move the action along

How does the fear make her feel? The shock of it, does it make her stomach churn? Are her eyes swollen after crying?

Suggestions:

I would like to have more colours, more scents, more touch.


Internal:

What I like:

There is very little internal descriptive and I think this is where the largest potential is. I can see the strength of the little there is - and it would be great to have more.

Suggestions:

Is she hating herself for her initial coldness against the children?



CHARACTERS:

What I like:

They are very, very realistic in their actions

Suggestions:

but I think there is space to make all of them more sympathetic.





STRUCTURE:

What I like:

I love the structure going from the police station (formal) to the vacation (informal)



LANGUAGE:


Style:

What I like:

I like the combination of realism and shock you create

Suggestions:

Give me more of the elegance I can feel in your style when you give the characters more depth.


Orthography: There were some orthographical issues. If you would like to see the comments in more detail please click here ▼





TENSION:

What I like:

The rising tension you give is great






END:

What I like:

I don't like your ending. I am not talking about your last paragraph (that is great) but the paragraphs before that.

Suggestions:

It feels rushed and too contracted - I want the details, the feelings, the fear, and the SLOW resolution



GENERAL COMMENTS:

I love the potential depth of the story, the incredible realism and the depth of emotion. I want to feel it so much more though. I want the sensations and what they do to me when I am your character.




IF YOU CHOSE TO EXTEND THE STORY OR EDIT IT - I WOULD LOVE TO READ IT AGAIN. LET ME KNOW.