Hi there, Marci! I'm so glad to see another entry from you! You have taken up the challenge a number of times now.

This is a very interesting poem. Your subject matter was approached in a unique manner that really works well to convey your message. That message is very nice, by the way, this is a rather impacting piece.

I found that you followed the Monchielle form perfectly in its basic structure. However, the rhyme in stanza two does not really work for me. Sun and one are not two words that I consider compatible. I am all too aware of how hard it can be to find rhymes in poems like these, where you have to follow a strict structure, and still get your words across in a cohesive manner. However, no one ever said it was easy, eh?!

I have a few suggestions regarding grammar and punctuation, which follow:

I would suggest removing the comma at the end of line four for improved flow. This is not a spot where you want a pause.

The word one at the end of stanza two is a real sticking point for me. Considering the direction the rest of the stanza is going, it seems that this word would be better as ones. What do you think?

Thank you for another great entry! I wish you luck in the contest and in life.

All the best,

--Oceanborne

You responded to this review 08/02/2013 @ 2:13am EDT

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