Hi Winnie,

Thanks for sharing this story! I love Steve Jackson, especially his dialogue, which felt spot on for his character in that situation. Larry's mistake was quite funny, and I loved the way you let out the revelation. I definitely got a chuckle out of your ending.

I'd like to offer the following critique, but please bear in mind that these are just one reader's opinions. I hope you will take what helps and disregard the rest. I only review stories I enjoy, and I definitely enjoyed this piece.

You begin your story with a disembodied voice, which I found immediately disorienting. Spoken words have very little meaning to a reader when we don't know who the speaker is. The first sentence of a short story is very important, in that it draws your reader into your story's world, and especially with a story as short as this, you want to draw your reader in immediately. Perhaps experiment with beginning by introducing Jackson with his blood pressure problem? He's a great character and would be a strong starting point.

I also noticed a bit of head hopping in this piece. It's written in third person, and especially in short stories, it's conventional to use third person limited, meaning from the perspective of only one character. This means we'd only see inside one character's head, and everything else would have to be shown by things readily observable to the main character. By doing this, the reader is shown the story in a way that mirrors life, through a single perspective, which makes a story more immediate and tactile, and therefore more strongly felt by your reader.

Here, your story begins and ends strongly in Jackson's perspective, which I enjoyed. However, in the middle, we run into these sentences:

Larry nervously repeated his confession

Larry Price knew his days were numbered

Larry felt his arthritic legs

All of these are from Larry's perspective. None of this would be thought by Jackson, or even known. It is possible to get the information across through Jackson's eyes, however, should you choose to try limiting the perspective to a single one.

Thanks again for sharing your story! I'm glad I had the chance to read this. Congrats on your cramp win! I hope my comments are helpful.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .