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 Review #3909767 |
| ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hi. I am Kimelia . I noticed you are celebrating your WDC anniversary - Congratulations. I hope you enjoy your special day! I really enjoyed reading your work and I hope that my review is helpful.This is only my opinion and whether you agree with my opinion is up to you. If you have any questions about my review, please contact me. Thanks for sharing your work and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!Title: "Invalid Item" Author: captain.small My overall opinion: This is a really interesting first chapter. My only suggestion would be the point of view. I think that it would be more effective to tell the story in either 1st or 3rd person point of view. Point of View:The point of view is 2nd person. There are no inconsistencies. Characters:The narrator and the guards in his/her dream.It is hard to judge the development of the character at this point. Plot/Pace:The plot is interesting and mysterious. It moves at a good, steady pace. Dialogue:There is no dialogue. Grammar/Punctuation:There are a few mistakes, but not many. Suggestions for Revision: You don’t bother to look because you’re sure the codes change every hour, if not more often. After all this time, you are finally going to see what was is in the room. "Typical," you say in your mind. You are a few steps away from the elevator door,(You don't need this comma) when you hear a blood curdling scream of pain, agony and fear,(you don't need this comma) from the second guard, who seems has to finally have found his voice. I would also suggest that you use italics to separate the narrator's thoughts from the rest of the story and do not overuse -ly ending adverbs, it is distracting from the story, especially if there are a lot of them in one paragraph or passage. This is a review in conjunction with "AFaith's Unofficial Account BDay Event" We're going bananas over here; join us, we have internet cookies  Final Thoughts
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