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 Review #3909911 |
 | Invalid Item  [] |
| (4.0)| Hi! I am Kimelia and this is a review for: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Novel: "Invalid Item" Chapter: "Invalid Entry" Author: Matt Bird MSci (Hons) AMRSC Characters: The characters are Nathan, Brian, and Harold. The characters are well developed so far. I really like Brian's character, he is funny and entertaining. There are no inconsistencies. Plot and Pace: Your plot is interesting. The magicians are dueling for Nathan. It is easy to imagine the scene that you have created. The plot moves at a good pace. Dialogue: The dialogue is real and believable. Pov: The point of view is 3rd person limited to Nathan. There are no inconsistencies. My overall opinion: I really enjoyed reading your chapter. Your story is entertaining and I like the characters. Line by Line: “And relax,” Brian said. One moment they were in falling from eight floors up, now they were in front of Nathan’s home, seven Perlfee Close. Brian waved Nathan’s old Nokia phone and tossed it to him. I might see you when before you leave in the morning. “Looks like you and Claire got on well back then,” Brian said, half making Nathan jump. I do not constantly listen in to your thoughts... It should be 'listen to' or 'listen in on'. After a mind wander, I cannot read minds until the next day. His nose pressed up against the wall so he could smell the paint. Suggestion: His nose was pressed so tight against the wall, he could smell the paint. ...but he was both too cramped... ...that reliving oneself...relieving “You never were very good at duelling.” dueling Instead he held his breath, hoping the smoke would clear. ...then fell back to behind the car. ...sphere the size of an cherry. ...I only duelled you... dueled ...also duelling Nathan... dueling Brian raised a hand towards Harold and— Should there be more here? Also, you use the word 'whilst' repetitively throughout the chapter and it is a little distracting. Final Comments This is a review in conjunction with "AFaith's Unofficial Account BDay Event" We're going bananas over here; join us, we have internet cookies 
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You responded to this review 10/08/2013 @ 11:49am EDT