Hello JwlsMacRay ,
 
I selected your story "Obeyville Snoop"  to review through the Read a Newbie Forum of WdC.
 
It is my pleasure to welcome you to Writing.com where I believe you will find wonderful support for all of your work.
 
It was a real pleasure reading your story and I am glad to give you some impressions I have of your piece as well as a short review.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions about a story in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate for your work and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
The walk to a familiar area of the woods near Obeyville suddenly becomes a terrifying prelude to an unthinkable confrontation. We are left to wonder what the outcome of this episode is, but at the same time there is no denying that this was a horrifying, heart palpitating experience.
 
Interest and Pace
 
The narrator of the story is a girl, in her early to mid-twenties, who is managing the family business. She appears to be doing this instead of attending college. The details of her immediate circumstances are beautifully laid out and I easily enter the world of small town Kansas and the challenges of dealing with that one “bad apple.”
 
It is at the point of the narrator going to her special spot to let off steam that I think your story could use a jolt to add even more empathy for her. The use of some dialogue between her and a well-known cranky patron would have shown me exactly what caused her to go to the creek that day. Through that interaction we could have seen a bit of the narrator through the other person’s eyes and perhaps learned her name, the way she spoke, the way other’s treated her.
 
The pace and rhythm of your story could benefit from one or two dialogue filled interactions to make me care just a bit more for your main character.
 
Structure and Clarity
 
The buildup to the actual scene where the girl is being stalked is well done. I know the girl’s fears: snakes, sting weed, strangers, being lost, unknown. These are perfectly clear and with these fears in mind the added terror of a stalker blends well to bring me to the conclusion that there will be a fatal attack. Since she is writing the story after the fact and presumably not from the great beyond, the attack was not fatal. My discomfort at this point is being left to my own imagination.
 
Edits/Revisions
 
There were three errors that I have detailed in the drop box through the link below. They have to do with past and present tense. By correcting some of your sentence tense structure and adding some dialogue to your story I believe your story would be a great read and very memorable.
 
Recommended Edits ▼
 
Summary
 
A spring walk to a favorite decompression site turns into a harrowing experience for a young member of the Obeyville community. Her run through the woods is exhilarating and terrifying. What are the intentions of her pursuer? That may be left to the reader to decide.
 
I enjoyed the power of your writing. You definitely have a feel for setting a dramatic stage and carrying out the intensity of a mystery thriller. I am obviously hoping to hear what happened next! Thank you for sharing your gifts and talents.
 
 
~Kenword~
 
 
 
   This review is given in honor of:

FORUM

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .