Hi Marci Missing Everyone

My name is Ken (which I'm sure you know ) and I'm reviewing you as part of the "Invalid Item" . It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Invalid Item" .

First Impression/Thoughts:
First and foremost - Congratulations on writing a winning poem. It is a beautiful Kyrielle full of vivid images.

Creativity/Impact:
I found this very creative. Your use of colors throughout really brought the images into focus. Truly, a technicolor poem.

Message/Theme:
This was an expressive response to the prompt. Your descriptions of the "new world" were colorful and full of imagination. Your refrain was effective in populating this lively place and really kept me "on-track" by reminding me that "we're not in Kansas anymore." Each verse was well thought out and supported the theme of your poem. A cohesive and clear write.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I've expanded my reviewing format to focus a bit about various aspects of poetry. I offer you the following more as food for thought and not as criticism.

Title - The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I thought your title was mysterious and invited the reader in to explore what this world of yours. I'm sure some will look just to see what you're talking about. Since it is the only thing a prospective reader will see while scanning the list of items in a writers port, it serves as the advertisement of the poets imagination. You did incorporate the title into the poetic content as well which I thought was an excellent use.

Grammar/Wording - "Gold, diamonds, rubies, emeralds, sapphires." Rich words that convey precise images are used to create a sense of the new world you imagine and underscores "A shimmering world made of dreams,"

Form/Flow - Written as a Kyrielle, you did generally well in keeping to the form. The Kyrielle is written in tetrameter (think 8 syllables per line) and Verse 2, Line 3 has 9 syllables while Verse 3, Line 1 has 9 and Line 2 has 10. Here are some ideas that may help:
* For Verse 2, consider using the "poetic" word 'round instead of around. It retains the same meaning and aligns the meter with the form.
* Verse 3 will be more of a challenge. I noticed that the first 2 lines are the only ones that stray from your descriptive narrative of the world and insert you into the poem as an observer. Perhaps, to capitalize on that, consider "I watch as flickering fairies." The second line begins with "who are" which is passive voice and detracts from the action. You can drop them, linking the subject directly to the verb. "gather sapphire berries." Add a descriptor to the sapphire such as light, dark, sweet and you're meter is aligned with the Kyrielle form.

Poetic devices - Beyond your invaluable word choice (yes, it was meant as a pun LOL) I enjoyed the moments of alliteration (diamond dust, ruby's red) and your use of enjambment was very effective in pulling the reader from line to line. I thought your use of assonance (glistening streams, sapphire berries) also made for a pleasing and flowing read.

Emotion/Imagery - Certainly, the imagery here is strong and captivating. The primary emotion I got was that of wonder which I thought was well suited to the write.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
I really enjoyed reading this. Your enthusiasm for fantasy comes through clearly and I found myself smiling as I accompanied you on this journey of imagination. I think for a "newbie" effort, you did really well. That said, if you're going to use a specific form, you need to pay as much attention to the structure as you do the content. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

You responded to this review 04/06/2014 @ 11:50pm EDT

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