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Review #3982893
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by A Guest Visitor
Review of Triple A  Open in new Window.
Review by Angus Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi Bob!
This is great! I love twisted endings, and this was certainly twisted! It has a good flow, and the spelling and telling were excellent. And so were the similes and metaphors, although you don’t want to go too overboard with them (like I should be talking! I don’t use enough of them cuz I’m no good with them).
Great drama, and you held the reader from the first paragraph.
One question though. You didn’t explain exactly what happened to John and Mathew. From what I gathered, John was running out of one of the World Trade Centers. If not (or even if so), maybe you could put some more detail in there.
OK. Here’s the part you won’t like: the technical review...
‘...like the loading bar on a dial-up internet connection’ (great simile!)
‘a sob(-)filled cry’
‘...like a burnt out cigarettes’
‘...Mrs. Faulkner's pre-k class(,) was sent to her office’ (no comma)
‘...your soul will be filled." The gun seemed to say.’ (filled,” the)
‘...three men exited(,) appearing to scope...’ (comma needed)
One last thing: in the 3rd and 2nd to last paragraphs you used the same phrase in a row-‘...she threw the door open’ and ‘The door flew open’. Perhaps you could get rid of that 2nd one and just make it all one paragraph. Such as:
‘...she threw the door open, revealing ten men sitting in folding chairs arranged in a circle. The sound of the door slamming open...'
See what I mean? Just a suggestion...
Otherwise, great job, my friend. ‘Twas a pleasure to read!

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