Some things I Like:

You have some amazing word choice in this piece. There are countless individually powerful words, and the phrasing is quite lovely as well. Some of the stand-outs for me:

hollow sound, contorted face, wail in despair, empty arms, wounded soul, heart consumed.

Your use of religious imagery and phrasing is very well integrated into the piece. It is all quite fitting. The name of the poem and use of "Nazarene" in the final line are wonderful too.

In general, I think that this is a really nice piece that is enjoyable even for someone who is not religious. It is a lovely read.

Observations & Suggestions:

The only big issue I have with this piece is the flow. The rhythm is off here and there, which makes the piece a bit awkward to read sometimes. Now, I presume that this is actually a song, rather than a poem. Depending on how it is sung, all of these issues may disappear. As I can't hear it, I can only comment on what I read (and I do read poetry aloud-- which may help).

The first flow issue is in the "Tears flow down my contorted face". This is about one beat off to my ear. It is just slightly too long. I really love the line! I think it is gorgeous, but a minor tweak could improve the flow from the previous line to this one. Personally, I would just remove the "my", but that isn't everyone's cup of tea.

I stumbled a little bit on the "strength to cry out" line, but it wasn't terribly distracting. What did distract me is the use of "lost" in this line, as you just used it. It isn't a strong use of repetition because of the word placement... in the middle of a line. I might consider "I lack the strength to cry out" or something similar, as it would alleviate the minor flow issue and the ineffective repetition of "lost".

The "empty arms" and "wounded soul" lines are both really long for the flow. Even if sung, I don't know how they would fit with the music. My mind kept wanting to do this:

Another night gives way to dawn.
Numbly[,] I rise and stumble on.
Will empty arms find strong embrace?
Heal wounded soul with saving grace?

Now, I do think that it would be interesting to pose the lines as questions because you answer the questions, but that isn't important. I only mention this rewrite because my mind kept trying to do it automatically. Regardless of how you do it, I would really recommend cutting a few syllables from each of the lines. They're quite awkward to read at the moment, though I do really love the phrasing within them. I think that if you read this rewrite aloud and then read what you have written, you will see immediately what I mean about the flow.

On a non-flow note:

"My head I place" was a bit awkward for me on first reading. It is clearly twisted to make the rhyme work. I had no problems on my later readings, but I thought I would mention it, as it did distract me a bit the first time.

Overall, I think that this is a really nice piece. I enjoyed reading it and think that with some minor tweaks, it could be quite excellent! Personally, I enjoy playing with poetry that I've written-- rewrites aren't a chore at all for me. Whether you enjoy the revision or not, I think that this piece would really shine with a bit of TLC.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .