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Some things I Like:

I really like the second stanza. It is a lovely sentiment, the rhymes seem very natural, and your word choice is very appropriate and strong. The last phrase made me smile as well. "Comely by design"

Composing sonatas and nocturnos in the hopes that your strings will entwine is a very cool idea and expressed quite well.

The "tobacco and perfume" is an interesting, quirky way to begin. I think that I would like it even more if it was either "tobacco perfume" or "tobacco and ____ perfume" or no "perfume" and a description of that particular perfume. The word "perfume" itself does not really tell us what the scent is, if you know what I mean.

Observations & Suggestions:

My eye is always drawn to interesting words at the beginning of lines. I actually prefer strong beginnings to strong endings. This piece doesn't really do that.

For...compose
In...entwine
So...consign
To...design
She...blooded
In...spirit
My...beloved

Just a quick glance at these line beginnings and endings will illustrate my point. There is nothing wrong with this style, but it isn't terribly engaging for me if almost every line begins with a small, boring, and common word. Nothing that you need to change-- just a personal observation.

The first stanza didn't move me or interest me very much. The first line was sort of intriquing, but I thought that the next four were lacking emotion and bored me a little bit. The phrases sound nice, but the aren't very moving somehow. The "in body and spirit" and "my immortal beloved" lines struck me as particularly hollow and cliche. The next stanza is far, far better.

On a side note, "full blooded" is a compound adjective. It needs to be hyphenated.

Overall, I quite like the last 5 lines, and the first line was fairly intriguing. I would definitely revise the other 4 lines so that they are as strong as the others. Basically, I think the piece needs some balance. A good effort though, and with a bit of revision, I think it could be really good as a whole.






My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .