Welcome to WDC! I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

You have some awesome phrasing in here. The imagery is quite good, and I think that the story could be interesting, depending on what happens next. The transition from this talking about the story to actually jumping into the story needs to be really smooth.

I like the title and your use of the title at the end of this introductory paragraph. Very cool. It actually reminded me a bit of Brian Herbert's "The Race for God". Good book, by the way. Anyway, it is an intriguing title and definitely caught my interest.

Observations & Suggestions:

I actually can't help but wonder if this is a story that "begins with an ending" or if you're just previewing the actual end of the novel. If this is the ending from which the story moves on (i.e. it is truly the beginning), that's great. In general, I don't like previews of the end that serve as intros. I just feel that it lessens the need to actually read the novel until the end. Know what I mean? Even with extremely well-written novels, the probability of me reading it until the end drops to almost nil if I have any inkling of how it will end. I just thought I would mention it, as it is an artistic choice that may turn some people off.

The piece needs a thorough edit. There are grammatical errors here and there (semi-colons that should be commas, missing commas, modifier issues, etc). Just as a for instance, the very first line has a grammar issue AND is missing a word:

In every story[,] there must be [an] end, good or bad.

There are also some confusing lines in here. Some are because of grammar problems, and others are just a little awkward.

"This one ends in fire and death, a world destroyed by war and forces that could not be stopped"

First, the phrase: "a world destroyed..." should modify either "death" or "fire and death" here. That is what the structure tells the reader. It does not modify either-- it reads like a random thought stuck on the end of the sentence and could lead to confusion. I had to read it twice before I "got it".

Second, the phrase "a world destroyed by war and forces that could not be stopped" is super long and overly wordy for what it really says. Check this out:

"a world destroyed by war and unstoppable forces"
I cut 4 words and it says exactly the same thing. This type of tightening could really help readability.

One more example of a confusing line:

"Slowly the darkness faded away and the survivors cried and hugged one another overjoyed it was over, but not all had ended so joyously for one."

First, this is a run-on sentence. "Darkness faded." "Survivors cried and hugged." and "All had ended." These are all complete sentences-- three complete sentences can't be put into one sentence.

Second, you're missing commas that would really help the reader. "Slowly[,] the darkness faded away[,] and..."

Third, the last sentence is awkward. I might consider "For one, all had not ended joyously." It is far easier to understand. I had to read this a few times to figure out what it meant because the order just didn't make much sense to me.

I hate to harp on the grammar, but it really made this intro difficult to read. A final grammar issue for you (though there are more that I did not mention):

"The race of men had begun as the world disappeared from his sight, the God Race was dead."

This is a run-on sentence too. "Race had begun" and "God Race was"... two subjects and two predicates. This is two sentences stuck together with a comma, which is not one of the ways to combine sentences. That said, I think that this is a really awesome set of line to end your intro.

Overall, the introduction desperately needs revision for grammar and clarity. I do like what you have to say here though, and the imagery really shines. I would be interested to know what the "God Race" is all about too. It's a good start. It just needs some polish.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .