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Some things I Like:

You have some really strong word choice in this piece. Some of the ideas expressed are interesting as well.

Observations & Suggestions:

The first thing that made me stumble is "flames of passion / taken asunder by waves ravaged deep within..." The flames of passion were ravaged by waves? It seemed strange to say that passion was ravaged by something else, I guess. It isn't the usual way of things, so it isn't where my mind first went. No need to change it-- just an observation.

A bigger issue is the lack of clarity here. You need some kind of punctuation to tell the readers what phrases modify what object. This reads to me as: flames being ravaged by waves within veins. Is that accurate? It has sort of a sloppy vibe to me. Waves inside veins is sort of cool-- flames being ravaged by waves is sort of cool. The flames, waves, veins, and blood all together is just overkill I think.

Also, the phrase "veins of blood" is not very strong. First, you're talking about liquid, so "vein" would bring to mind veins in the body without the mention of blood. Second, the phrase "veins of blood" really means veins made of blood-- that is what "of" means. It's a part of the whole or a measure of a whole. So... "veins of blood" are veins made of blood. I doubt that was what you were after.

"Spilt essence, damaged heart, kindle to fire, sharp of sight, strong of presence."

I actually think that these are strong ideas. "split essence, damaged heart" and "sharp of sight, strong of presence" were both quite nice. All together in a list, it sounds a bit choppy and unpleasant to the ear, but they are interesting. I would consider using line breaks here. These read like a really long run-on sentence. It isn't ideal.

"kindle to fire"--the word 'kindle' means to light or set fire to something. So you're saying "set fire to fire", basically. The words "to fire" add nothing at all to the meaning, as "kindle" means to set something on fire. Also... well, let's face it. People are going to think of the Kindle Fire when they read that. Not super effective anyway, and less effective given the gadget's name.

The sudden appearance of wings and vines seemed really odd to me. One minute, you were talking about flames, waves, veins, and blood... now we're outside with wings and vines? I would strongly consider choosing a type of metaphor/imagery and running with it. Make it all about liquid (waves, blood) or all about earthy things (like the vines) or all about the air/sky (like the wings). All together like this, the poem lacks cohesion.

Overall, I think that this poem has lots of room for improvement. You have some nice phrasing and ideas going on in the piece, but it needs some polish and purposeful imagery to create a cohesive poem that is easy to read. There is a lack of clarity at the moment (partly due to punctuation/lack of punctuation), and thoughts seem to jump around from one thing to the next with no clear path. It doesn't make for smooth, enjoyable reading. If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another read and change my rating if appropriate.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .