Dear B-T
I am reviewing your "Invalid Item" . These are my observations about your work.



General Comments & Reader Reaction I read your chapter start. The ideas of it seem cool. But with poetic prose to tell this tale. It looses the reader in several points. I'm not sure if it was the run-on or some of the other mistakes that did this. Since I really don't want to paste most of your chapter under "Writing Style & Grammar" Allow me to aid you. I use several apps besides office 2007. The first one is http://ginger.com the second is http://www.hemingwayapp.com/. You will want to watch ginger it does try to swap out a lot of words with the wrong word for what you're trying to say. It will however tell you the right tense of the words. Hemingway is one of the best for run-on and weak voice. It will show you what I cannot. Now down to reader reaction as I read it. Lets discuss reader attraction first off what age are you writing for under children, who is your intended audience your writing it for? Keep in mind most small children will not read something that looks like poetry verse. However, if you move the top two paragraphs over the Fool title and use those as your reader hook to draw them in then the poetry will work out correctly.

Plot & Pace Ok plot is normally found by your title and reading the description the reading the story to see how confused you get. I want to say this a great contest judge told me. The title and description are hooks to the readers and publishers. Don't put notes in them. Make them the best hook for your book. Those will be the only two chances you get with a publisher. Now the pace is controlled by ly ending adverbs and adjectives, and how short your sentences are. For the most part it went well not too fast and not too slow.

Characters I like your poetic character descriptions. But when you re-quote them again to reader it does seem a bit repetitive. I understand that you're showing the reader that this is the same person described above. I had that same problem as well in my books. I'm writing for young adults as well as the older ones so I don't need to repeat. You might if you're writing for the under age 10 crowd. Remember, everything is know your audience since I'm not sure at this time your intended audience. I'm making suggestions for both sets.

Setting & Imagery You did really well on your settings and the imagery of your settings.

Themes The theme I see so far is the carefree fool being foolish

Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere I know the emotion of the fool well he is happy. Now I see some over shadowing of a specific event that is setting up the mood for sadness. The atmospere is set to one of wonderment of what is really going on in this story.

Structure & Consistency TYhe fool is consistant in the chapter. since structure consists of grammar, spelling, comma placement as well the other correct writing practices I cannot correctly gage it at this time.

Writing Style & Grammar click here to read ▼

Ok, we have a lot to cover. First off when you're doing the poetry definitions for the characters. Every line must be capitalized freestyle or not, that grammar rule is for all poetry.

a background for the town surrounded by leaves, covered on trees, You should change out 'for' and put of instead. Next is 'on' it should be in.

Smiling clearly, he begun again his journey. You need a comma after 'again.'

“I'm sorry sir, but I must say no.” You need a comma after sorry as well.

“A thought you say? Well, I see the High Priestess has spoke! Your tense on the words are off it should be said instead of 'say', as it is now in the past. Next is spoken instead of 'spoke' for the same reason.

Visions from times before his. Try this instead. Example: "Visions of times before his."

Now if you want to see the run-on and other things effecting your story take this in three sections and paste a section into http://www.hemingwayapp.com

Favorite Lines Giddily, Fool laughed. Taking a step back, his foot missed earth. Slipping now as his other foot came spiraling next. A startled fright from Fool as the ground gave way and his vision swayed, showing the Earth had disappeared from his feet and now flashed by his gaze. I really like how you describe his fall without going into great detail. Very nicely done!

Overall Impression & Conclusion: I think you should rename the title to be a hook. Then adjust the description to match. Next is the ending you really want that as a cliffhanger drawing me into reading the next chapter the first line in the last paragraph would do quite nicely then use the rest as the start of the next chapter.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your book Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your Book.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing more things just like this!




The Run-on King PDG Member
"Preferred Author" 

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .