Greetings! Thank you for sharing your work. I'm delighted to read your story and offer here my comments and notes for consideration as you choose

Your story is intriguing, and I likethe resolution which refers the reader back to the opening paragraph, although with a delightfully twist.

Although it's hard to create a full story in just 1000 words, I can see the premise, the ominous plot developing, leading to the resolution which refers the reader back to the opening.

I would like to have seen a bit more depth to Chase and Cindy's characters; relating to the music perhaps. I believe Mrs. Marble (intriguing name, I can see a Miss. Marple alter-ego offers an effective laidback foil. Consider foreshadowing the pair's encounter with Brutus, i.e., "We have been here at least..." in place of "I have been here..." (see how it alludes to someone/thing else, which at first passes over their heads, but is revealed in the twist??).

I hear some passive segments, which could likely be woven into the action, which could reveal more about the characters and their emotions as the story evolves. The first person introduciton, for example, could be woven into the opening paragraph, which is related in third-person, as is the rest of the story. The opening also gives me the image that the song is being played in the house and heard by the pair in the car. Does Mrs. Marble's appearance change when she hears the lyrics, does she smile or look at the radio, or would they make note that she doesn't appear to notice?

With respect to the passive 'telling' consider the paragraph where the three go down the stairs to the basement. I suggest holding that paragraph in Cindy's voice. Instead of "...half way and the noise was heard...," something like, "Cindy stopped short halfway down the stairs. 'Did you hear that?' she whispered to Chase." Also, when the speaker changes, there should be a new paragraph to indicate that change to the reader.

I also think it would add to the 'slice' aspect to see how Brutus and the nine-inch-nails are used

A deliciously decadent story ~ I wish you luck in the contest. and look forward to reading more of your work.

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Kate
Kate - Writing & Reading
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .