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 Review #4023737 |
Her Beloved  [13+] A lady searches for her beloved  |
 Hello there, Newbie! Welcome to WDC.    This is a Simply Positive Review  . Oooh, I liked this story with the mysterious yacht and the lady trying to find her husband. There was a suspenseful, haunting quality throughout. The reader could pick-up on the vivid images being portrayed through the eyes of the wife. She sounded meticulous, and also put-out that things were not in perfect shape upon her yacht.The darkness was a fine way to add to the mood of the story. Where is the sun hiding? Why such a gloomy day? These questions are pondered as the lady continues her inspection from cabin cubby to deck.  Observations: "She didn’t know how long her eyes had been open or how long she’d been awake. Her vision was cloudy. Perhaps from the tears that were ever flowing from her eyes, flowing because of that fateful night." There's a repetitive to ring within these sentences, and since it's your opening paragraph, you want to have a crisp start that will hook the reader. Thus a more active voice is needed. TRY: She awoke, with a start, eyes still wet from crying. She tried to clear the fog from her mind and connect the pieces of the puzzle, still not sure if it was a bad dream. Suddenly, images of the fateful night flashed through her brain like bolts of lightning. Just a sample of how to hook the reader into this mysterious adventure. "She worried that he was out upon the deck, at the mercy of the impending storm. She wasn’t worried for him. No, she loved him, it was true, but she worried more for herself. She always felt safe when he was with her. She knew he would never leave her alone, not if she was in danger. He would always protect her. She smiled again. It faded quickly as the thoughts of that night returned. She remembered the storm, how it threw the yacht upon the waves until it seemed it would break in two. She remembered her husband out upon the deck, working to protect her. Worry overflowed her mind, overwhelmed her countenance. She had to find him." Again, their is a lot of repetitive thoughts in this paragraph. It is too wordy and could be streamlined. Sometimes less is best. TRY: She panicked thinking that her husband was out on the deck, during the storm which stirred the rough seas mercilessly. He wouldn't think twice about endangering his life to protect hers; he loved her that much. Pushing her own worry aside, she decided to leave the safety of the cabin and join him. " She drew near her bed. She allowed herself a lucid moment, a moment when truth pushed aside hope. In that moment she knew that she would not find her beloved this night." Similar problems as the above mentioned spots. TRY: For one lucid moment, she realized her beloved would not be found that night. Perhaps tomorrow she thought, as she moved toward her bed.  These are just a few examples of writing tighter and adding more impact without losing the quality of the story.I hope this has been helpful  Until next time--write on! Regards, WebWitch  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 08/05/2014 @ 5:51pm EDT