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 Review #4024239 |
 Hello, Izzy's Writing Welcome to WDC! This is a Simply Positive Review.   I am reviewing you as per your "Review Request." First of all, you try very hard to bring the reader into the family circle of your characters. That's a wonderful thing because it makes the reader feel like she has some connection to these people, making her curious about the life they share together. I think the brother and sister have a special relationship of protectiveness and respect but all of it is rolled-up into love.Observations  I think you need to break-up your paragraphs better. It's like wall after wall of words, not letting the reader catch her breath.  You need to separate the dialogue between characters. It's hard to follow when it's all in one long paragraph and characters are interjecting their own thoughts. Use a separate paragraph for each character's dialogue -- thus, skip two spaces between them. It will keep the dialogue tags easier to understand, also. Slow down a bit. You are introducing too many friends into one paragraph with little sound-bites from each of them about the othe. It is difficult for the reader to get a clear picture of who they are and what heir purpose is in this story. I think some of these characters need to be saved for a time they can be further developed and fit in easily to the scene. Rather than he said she said, they asked, sort of piled into the paragraph, let one character tells the story, via third person narrative telling us what's going on or first person, which will take us into the head of the protagonist and let us feel what he feels. There is a rushed feeling for the reader. It seems like you want to skip-over the character development and go directly to the illness and hospital test results. It is very important to show us how much the siblings depend on each other and what they've been through in their background that makes this such a special bond. You attempt to tell us, make us just see it is so and move to the critical part. Onions, think onions -- peel back one layer at a time so the reader watches the story unfold. "Val picked up his sister bridal style and carried her downstairs, both of them hoping that everything would turn out alright." Okay, I am not going to get weirded out too much, here, but this scenario seems to fit better between lovers and spouses, not brother-sister relationships. Thus, mentioning "bridal style" shocks the senses of the reader.  Simply say, Val saw how weak his sister looked, so he held on tightly as they descended the stairs. She struggled a few steps down so he just picked her up, to prevent a misstep that could result in her falling. You've got this poor girl, who just came to visit her brother, sort of hidden for a few weeks, getting pale then taken to the hospital, all before we even really know her. There should be more interaction between the two for some time. We have a scene where the brother gets her at the airport, they exchange a few words and all of a sudden it says "A few weeks later ..." What happened in-between? Where's the events, conversations meals and get-togethers that involve them and the stray characters who were introduced early on? Suggestions  I think you should build your characters' profiles and outline where they fit into the story before you continue to the next part, which is critical and related to her disease and the trials they will be put through.  Don't leave this poor woman swinging in the wind like a piece of laundry. She needs heart, soul and spirit. She needs us to be concerned for her well-being. That's when the tissues coming out for reading any further, will come in handy. But first pull the reader into the story with a fine character development and we will be right there crying with you.Conclusion:  You have a bit of work to do here. I do see where you are trying to take us with this story, but you are trying to pull us through this time warp and bring us to a could-be fatal disease for this character, whom we cannot even picture. She needs dimension -- so does he, for that matter. You almost don't need the friends at all in this part of the story. Here is where you introduce your main character/s and give your reader an idea of who they are. Then add those who would shed more light on the story. On the bright side -- you do have a fine idea. It is a gem in the rough and just needs a little polishing. That's the way it should be when we first start to write a story. Then we rework, add, subtract develop as necessary and get rid of extraneous things that are merely red herrings. Thus, I see this as a rough draft that is waiting for your creative juices to pick up a pen and make it have the impact these characters deserve to have in their story. Good start! A little more patience with editing and it will have a great finish!  I hope this has been helpful.  Regards, WebWitch  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 08/06/2014 @ 4:56pm EDT