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 Review #4034919 |
 | Misplaced Trust  [E] How well do we know our family, or anyone?  |
| (3.0)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Title: Misplaced Trust Author: Anne M. Type: Short story  First Impressions: You have an interesting beginning here and I can see this story going in a few different directions. I think it's clear though that the trip won't be a happy one for Sara; there are a few hints in the story that maybe she won't be welcome by her family although the readers have probably more of an idea about that than Sara who is still looking forward to seeing her brothers and sister. I liked how you weaved the details into the story in a way that gave the impression Sara might be a little naïve here. This is really only the opening scene as the main story is still to come, but you use this introduction mainly to tell the readers a bit about the main character. I understand you are probably eager to get to the family reunion but I did think that these first few paragraphs felt a little rushed. You sum up most of her life in a few short sentences, and I wonder if it might work better not to include quite so much information but instead go into a bit more detail about one or two of them. For example, it is good that you briefly explained the purpose of the journey and told the readers about Sara's siblings, but the readers probably don't need to know about the history of mental illness in the family at this point. You could save that for a later chapter and instead go into a bit more details about her father's death which must have been a major trauma in her life. It’s just an idea.   Suggestions: Time to go back home to the coastal town of Wanchese. A small fishing town on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. There are a few fragmented sentence like this that would probably flow a bit better if you combined them with a comma. Also, "coastal town" and "fishing town" sounds a little repetitive, you could probably omit the seconds one. She hadn't seen Michael, Robbie, or Janie. Her half brothers and sister since she was 15.I don't think you meant to put a period after "Janie" as the sentence continues. You could try, "She hadn't seen Michael, Robbie or Janie, her half brothers and sister, since she was 15." The only regret was Jake. You haven't mentioned Jake before so the readers won't know who he is. I assume he is her boyfriend but it's not clear. after their mothers death You need an apostrophe in "mother's."  Final Thoughts: I like the idea of the story so far and should be interesting to find out in what way the 'surprise' Sara is planning won't be a good one for her or her family and how the title relates to the tale. Hopefully you will continue to write this story as I think readers will find it intriguing.   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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